The trigger warning is because the topic can be emotionally heavy for autistics since it talks about the social abuse autistics endure and how we react to it by masking. The guy has an apparent justifiably angry tone throughout the video. Otherwise, I think it is fine and there are no sensory issues to worry about.
For those that downvoted, I would like to know why. Why did you think that it should not be seen by others?
I’m intrigued about the downvotes. I don’t feel strongly one way or the other yet but it’s anyone able to explain the negative response?
I’m OP, and I would like to know too. I thought it was an insightful and impactful video. I wish downvoters would say what they don’t like about it rather than just be passive about it.
I would also like to know. It’s a problem I have and I’ve planned to try to watch this (I’m not one to just click on something making noise at me without preparation). Should I try and research this elsewhere (I prefer text anyway). Suggestions welcome.
The trigger warning is about autistic people being abused. It is relatively fine sensory-wise, though the guy is justifiably angry when discussing the topic. I put the trigger warning because it was an emotionally heavy topic for me, so I wanted to let others know that it was not easy.
This kind of fits the recent uptick in negative and plain dismissive comments in this community. I feel like there could be a “tell us whats bothering you” chat either on a pinned post or something like that. Some people might be trolls but if this happens a lot it might need honest questions for feedback.
Besides that I dont get it either. I dont watch mental health videos in the evening so I cant say if the video is bad but orion kelly is actually pretty popular. Youtube is kinda bad but also no reason to downvote.
This kind of fits the recent uptick in negative and plain dismissive comments in this community. I feel like there could be a “tell us whats bothering you” chat either on a pinned post or something like that. Some people might be trolls but if this happens a lot it might need honest questions for feedback.
Yes! I’m wondering if there is a connection with the recent post the mods made on the age restriction, and it is causing underage users to be upset with the community, so they are understandably acting out on it as if we pushed them away, they are not good enough, bad, or something like that. Also, this post led to some antagonistic discussions and a reminder of the rules of the community.
I couldn’t get through the video… it could really use some heavy editing. He easily spent the first half of the video just saying the same thing over and over without really saying much of anything.
Watching it at 1.5 speed helped immensely.
Looked up what “fawning” meant, never heard that word before
praising someone too much and giving them a lot of attention that is not sincere in order to get a positive reaction
Haven’t watched the video so I’m unsure of the context, whether it’s about a neurotypical as the recipient of fawning, or a neurotypical fawning another individual
It’s similar. It argues that masking among autistics is fawning because it’s hiding who they truly are to please others. Their masking of being uncomfortable with sensory processing, being ostracized, and pretending to be okay with things…the author states that is fawning. I’m OP, and I thought is was a great video that I really needed to watch, and I believe it will help me in the long run. I can summarize more of the video if you would like.
If you are still okey with it. I would really like a bit more of a summarization of the video.
Of course! Here you go.
Our brains have 4 mechanisms to survive in the presence of danger: flight, fight, freeze, & fawn. Fawning is basically giving the threat what they want to avoid the consequences of not doing so. For example, if a bear wants your fish, you give it to them so they leave you alone. In social situations, we use fawning to people-please to avoid social conflict and earn approval of others. Autistics have learned to use fawning extensively because of the abuse we endured throughout our lives. We do it so much that it becomes automatic. Fawning looks like masking for autistics. If everyone wants to go to a loud bar and you agree to it though you don’t really want to, that is fawning. The sounds, the smells, the chaos…all that would drive me crazy unless I drink. If I tell people that I’m extra sensitive to those stimuli, then I might get ridiculed or ostracized. Since I don’t want that to happen to me, I decide that I would rather endure the bar scene than be insulted and alone. Outwardly, it looks like I’m happy to go. Inwardly, I am denying my experience and may get overwhelmed at the scene, which can lead to crappy behaviors, such as too much drinking.
In the long run, masking is fawning: a modern day survival instinct. However, it can lead to mental health issues because we are placing ourselves in stressful situations that wreak havoc on our minds and bodies.
Signs of fawning: constantly attempting to please others, ignoring your own beliefs, inability to set boundaries/say no, a lack of a personal identity, ignoring your own needs to address the needs of others, and responding to criticism with apologies and praise.
For NTs, they might not be aware how much an autistic is fawning. We might seem like we are not experiencing a trauma stress response. Tips for seeing fawning in autistics is if they act like something that is important is suddenly not important anymore after an NT criticizes it. Another sign is that the autistic person may seem like they’re constantly apologizing.
The cause of fawning is lifelong abuse and trauma. Being autistic makes us vulnerable to lifelong trauma. Autistics experience criticism, punishment, and ostracization for being autistic. They are also told to suppress their true-selves. For instance, autistics are told to not stim. In this sense, we are taught to fawn at an early age in order to avoid punishment. Autistics are also held to the same standards as NTs, but we don’t have the same brains. We then fail at it and are criticized for something that is natural to them. Additionally, since we’re being attacked for not meeting their standards, we miss out on being praised for who we are. We don’t get validated for being us, so we develop masking/fawning to survive.
Fawning is exhausting and debilitating. “I’d rather just punch the sabretooth tiger in the face, than say, ‘Wow, you’re a really good eater. Thank you so much for eating my legs first.’” Fawning further alienates autistic people in a world in which they are already alienated.
Over time, fawning leads to toxic and abusive relationships. There are no healthy relationships because it diminishes our self worth. Fawning is damaging across our lives, from romantic relationships to healthcare.
He covered some key strategies for NTs to help autistics. One, stop punishing them for their non-harmful autistic behaviors. Help them identify their feelings when faced with conflict. If the autistic person is told they can’t do something they really wanted to do, help them identify the bad feelings they are experiencing because of it. Two, encourage them to think about their own needs. Autistics that engage in fawning are extremely selfless because they are focused on people-pleasing, so encouraging them to think about themselves is crucial. Three, actively praise them when they show self-advocacy. For example, praise them when they show a preference or choose something, then reward them for choosing something that would be nice to them. Give them different options for them to choose what they want to engage in. Four, model helpful behaviors for them to imitate. Five, encourage them to set boundaries and tell people “no”. Six, discourage fawning/people-pleasing. “You don’t need to please me.”
Intresting and thank you.
I really don’t requisite that behaviour for myself, but that comes down to a mix of good environment and a bit too easy time to tell people to fuck off. Like the bar scenario I won’t have a problem telling people I don’t want to go and if they like me less because of that it’s there lose. Good friends of mine could probably get me to try going if they insist it will be fun, but then we come back to the good environment. All the people that would be able to do that, wouldn’t have a problem with me going nope afte trying and they would help me to be in a calm location until either getting me home or having someone come pick me up.
It makes me sad that not everyone has it like that.
Yeah, it sucks that it’s common enough of an experience for autistics that someone made a 20+ min video on it. However, I’m happy you don’t find yourself in that situation! You might have some tips to teach other autistic people on how to socially engage.
Unfortunately not so much, surrounded yourself with people that accept you for you and spend absolute minimum time with people that don’t.
Edit: Didn’t mean to dubble post, I’m having some internet problems.
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I saw part of this video and I can very easily imagine that it would allow narcissists to seek out people they can exploit. It’s also annoying to other people. Excessive “people pleasing” can come across as desperate or annoying.
it would allow narcissists to seek out people they can exploit.
They totally do. It’s sad that there are people like that, but it’s true. Narcissists 100% go hunting for autistics to develop that sense of power they need to have.
I wouldn’t say that it’s specific to autistic people, but narcissists go looking to anyone who has qualities that they can exploit. This includes autistic people who cope by being narcissists and exploiting other people who they see as lesser then them.
My wife has a creepy uncle who probably has autism and is in denial about it and he copes by being extremely judgmental and constantly puts other autistic people down. My sister was diagnosed with autism before transitioning and he would constantly make fun of her for being a virgin before she transitioned.
