this is mostly intended as a vent post, but it’s also a bit aimless and might contain questions anyone is more than welcome to answer.

i am 35 years old. i entered the American workforce at the age of 17 with my first job at an outdoor restaurant stand. over the next 18 years i will struggle to hold down a job for over a year. i am unable to function in the capitalist society i find myself trapped in.

every single job i have had since entering my 20s has gone horribly wrong. i’d find myself leaving my work area to have crying fits in the bathroom, anxiety attacks and depressive episodes would follow me all day, and i’d experience physical sensations as if my skin was crawling off my body telling me to remove myself from my environment and relax because i’m overwhelmed and stressed. jobs have tried to work with me by offering me unpaid time off to take care of my mental health, but when i inevitably come back the progress i made slowly fades away. i have had hospital stays and medication adjustments to no avail. i simply cannot reconcile my existence against the way our world operates.

capitalism and the profit-seekers of the world have made human life not worth living, imo. the point of life is to make it our own and these parasites have robbed the rest of us the ability to navigate consciousness freely. instead of organizing together as a community and assisting each other as needed, we enslave each other to a 9-hour, five day work week and compensate with barely fucking anything of value. then we all go into a ton of debt and never find peace, all while our corporate overlords usher in a technocratic fascist future to the benefit of fucking nobody other than themselves.

the depression, anxiety, panic, and fear i have felt for 18 years all stems from having my independence as a human being taken away and controlled. turns out, i can’t fucking deal. and it feels like i am mocked for it by people who i would even consider friends. “it seems like you merely don’t want to work, leander” is something i’ve heard before. trust me, i’d love to not have to worry about money and how i’m going to eat or afford to live. i promise if i could work i would just fucking do it.

i have been fired several times for taking too many days off, calling in, calling out, tardiness, etc… just because getting out of bed is such a hurdle to overcome i simply cannot do it sometimes. i try, i always do, i promise i try my hardest to be what everyone wants me to be, but i can’t do it reliably so can i get some fucking help, please?

i just want to not worry about being alive. give me federal money, i’ll admit i’m a loser and a leech and a mooch and live my disabled ass away from good ol’ exceptional America and her citizens. i’ll live in the woods and only come out to go shopping. do we have a deal?