Hi, I just now got a functioning wifi connection (laptop only, hotel’s wifi is weird somehow) so I’m sortof a little bit backish for a day or two. Thanks to everycritter who helped in any way, whether it’s being aggressively friendly or sending money or offering to help me get work or whatever. Everything’s rough lately, trying to go through things on my phone, trying to keep food in, trying to stop freaking out long enough to actually do anything.

So. Kinda barely-here but I feel like I wanna say, I think the instability is what’s been crushing me worst. Everything has a cost and I can’t really process that even when I’m not completely wrecked. Hotel for a week can cost as much money as rent for a month. Can’t rent, though, because that needs provable, stable income (hahahahahaha just have a safe, stable life and you can have a safe, stable life. What’s the problem?) and a year-long lease (because committing to staying a year in a freaky crowdy grungy bigass city in some random spot about which I know nothing is a great idea). Even picking a hotel is stressy. Is it safe? Am I gonna get robbed by the staff, or attacked in the lobby? Is it gonna be hard to get to or from it? Can I afford it for long enough? Am I gonna understand how to use this booking? What if I’m supposed to have a non-expired licence? Mine expired ages ago.
Fun trivia you get a special checkup by the TSA if you drop by with an expired licence! They swabbed my freaking plushies. Me just standing there like “Ah yeah, must be part of the manhunt for the Great Plushie Bomber of Tulsa” 😅 Like what?
Anyway every single thing comes with a dozen costs, many impossible to quantify. Spoons go quick. Phone calls take a lot of them. Point is, it’s hard to plan to have anything left. I could get a hotel room for a couple weeks and have nothing left for food, or for leaving if someone somewhere else can keep/save me. Maybe somewhere more manageable @.@ Or for getting some actual walking shoes. Should’ve done that instead of fresh flats. I’m kindof an idiot even on a good day, maybe.

How do these get so long? What am I yapping about? Something something it’s too damn hard to figure anything out because everything else is in the way and every action comes with a bunch of costs that can independently conflict with any other action. So I just fall apart and nothing happens because, turns out, stressing itself costs spoons. … And that costs time, which was the problem to begin with, just it’s worse now.

I’ve probably said most of this before. Sorry, I’m half-asleep and hungry. Think I have a dinner date with the vending machine 'cause my feet aren’t looking to go any farther than that 😅 Also not sure I wanna be wandering around at night here, at least not yet. Oh yeah, and it’s midnight. Most people aren’t up at midnight, let alone running foodplaces. Oh well 🤷 No fridge in here or I’d have some leftovers to eat >:| Also I have no idea how I’m in a state where I might be able to actually do an eat without promptly doing an un-eat 🤔 Maybe because I’m asleep @.@

Anyway, hello. Happy Transgender Day of Visibility. Against all sense and my best interests I’m still around for it. Will probably go somewhere and be visible I suppose. I think I wanted to say something else but I forgot. If anycritter remembers what it was, please let me know 😅

Edit to clarify:

1. I’ll go anywhere, Minneapolis is just where I am now. (Also it’s terrifying. I’d thought Tulsa was reasonably big, and O’Hare airport crowded 😅 )
2. Idunno if “fell through” is exactly right. Could be he’s focused on getting me my own place. Or he’s got issues having anyone in his house. Or I said something oddly or wrongly and he’s reacting to that. I just mean… basically I was hoping he represented stability but then it kinda hit me that he didn’t seem to have the same idea aaaand I kinda [redacted] in my mouth a lil and couldn’t eat the dinner he’d bought me. So it’s not “He said I could stay with him but then backed out,” which I worry is what somecritter(s) may read 😓 More like, he said that’d be a possibility if I could make it to the 17th and I… Idunno, maybe just imagined hopes I didn’t have, honestly. Was kinda seeing that as my start point, which is maybe kinda ridiculous considering that’d be twenty days of just/mostly recovery, orientation, maybe exploring, maybe just waiting (whether waiting to have a (temp) address for something, or whatever).