I feel so guilty because I’m honestly spiraling but everyone keeps telling me I’m not. I can’t, because it makes them look worse.
I don’t even know where to begin.
Going through difficult times is not a weapon in a dick-measuring contest to determine who’s owed the most pity. Downplaying somebody else’s problems in order to make one’s own problems seem more important is not something a friend* does, period.
But then again, those people may just be unable to imagine you holding yourself together so well if you really had all those problems you describe. That’s still no excuse though, a real friend should listen to you and believe you.
I think what (some of) your ‘friends’ are doing is reminiscent of crab mentality. That’s the mechanism that makes sure you’re being gifted a never-ending supply of chocolate and junk food as soon as people notice you’ve successfully lost weight, or alcoholics insisting that their dry friend has just one small beer with them for old times’ sake.
One of the foundations of crab mentality is the assumption that life is a zero-sum game and/or desired resources are scarce, i.e. if you get more sympathy/attention then somebody else will get less.
I’m not saying you should do this - that would require some hefty assumptions about you and your life - but one of the best things I’ve ever done is ranking all my friends and family by the degree to which they’ve made my life better or dragged me down over the years, balanced scorecard-style. It sounds heartless but with some people was a real eye-opener for me.
Either way, surround yourself with people that give something back. If that means losing some ‘friends’, then so be it. A handful of real friends will get you much further than hordes of false ones.
( * I’m including family members here, though they can generally get away with much more BS than a friend just because they’re family.)
Thank you, this is really kind. Logically, I know it’s true that demeaning and comparing other people’s experiences is wrong, but I encounter it so much it’s hard to really believe it.
I think ranking the impact people have had in my life is probably a good idea, but it’d take me some time to figure out how to quantify that.
Logically, I know it’s true that demeaning and comparing other people’s experiences is wrong, but I encounter it so much it’s hard to really believe it.
I can relate to some degree, though in my case it was my parents. The good news is that it doesn’t take much practice until you start noticing the difference.
There’s not a lot of advice I can give you, because above all you need to figure out yourself what you want (and how you want to get there). Just keep reminding yourself every now and then that the most important person in your life is you, and anybody trying to tell you otherwise is unlikely to have your best interests in mind.
I don’t even know where to begin.
Going through difficult times is not a weapon in a dick-measuring contest to determine who’s owed the most pity. Downplaying somebody else’s problems in order to make one’s own problems seem more important is not something a friend* does, period.
But then again, those people may just be unable to imagine you holding yourself together so well if you really had all those problems you describe. That’s still no excuse though, a real friend should listen to you and believe you.
I think what (some of) your ‘friends’ are doing is reminiscent of crab mentality. That’s the mechanism that makes sure you’re being gifted a never-ending supply of chocolate and junk food as soon as people notice you’ve successfully lost weight, or alcoholics insisting that their dry friend has just one small beer with them for old times’ sake.
One of the foundations of crab mentality is the assumption that life is a zero-sum game and/or desired resources are scarce, i.e. if you get more sympathy/attention then somebody else will get less.
I’m not saying you should do this - that would require some hefty assumptions about you and your life - but one of the best things I’ve ever done is ranking all my friends and family by the degree to which they’ve made my life better or dragged me down over the years, balanced scorecard-style. It sounds heartless but with some people was a real eye-opener for me.
Either way, surround yourself with people that give something back. If that means losing some ‘friends’, then so be it. A handful of real friends will get you much further than hordes of false ones.
( * I’m including family members here, though they can generally get away with much more BS than a friend just because they’re family.)
Thank you, this is really kind. Logically, I know it’s true that demeaning and comparing other people’s experiences is wrong, but I encounter it so much it’s hard to really believe it.
I think ranking the impact people have had in my life is probably a good idea, but it’d take me some time to figure out how to quantify that.
I can relate to some degree, though in my case it was my parents. The good news is that it doesn’t take much practice until you start noticing the difference.
There’s not a lot of advice I can give you, because above all you need to figure out yourself what you want (and how you want to get there). Just keep reminding yourself every now and then that the most important person in your life is you, and anybody trying to tell you otherwise is unlikely to have your best interests in mind.