I’m a hairy, small dick, morbidly obese, semi-virgin 35 year old guy.

Between my crippling social anxiety, zero self esteem, and OCD-ish fear that if I am near cum I’ll get AIDS and die… I’ve only had a single sexual partner my entire life.

When I was 25 I was a 100% never been kissed virgin. I lost 75 lbs (315 to 240, currently 355), felt way better about myself, and sort of had a casual thing with a coworker where with lots of jerking and sucking, but no butt stuff because I was a scaredy cat. Then that guy moved away. I thought that he was the jumping off point to being normal, but I went back into my shell (and gained all my weight back).

I’m 35 now, certainly not getting any younger.

I finally have a real deal big boy job making adequate money.

I was thinking… Why don’t I get my HPV vaccine, Hep A/C vaccine, PreP, and some Bluechew and just hire a prostitute so that I can get fucked by a human instead of a piece of plastic I sometimes stick up my butt while masturbating? I won’t care what he thinks about my body because I’m literally paying him.

Then I thought - where do you even find a prostitute? There are escort sites, but they all seem to be in the city (I live in the suburbs about 25 miles away). What if I get caught and it’s like the police? Do I need to rent a hotel room or have them come over my house? Can I just find a local, muscular, hot, college boy on Grindr and offer him like $500?

Maybe I should just lower my physical expectations and try to go on an actual date with someone in my age and league? How will I hide how incredibly anxious and awkward and inexperienced I am? I literally wouldn’t fuck me.

Maybe I should just go to the 50+ year old guy on Grindr that’s like 3000 ft away that has a bio that says he’ll suck anybody. I wonder what kinds of STDs you can get from sucking dozens or hundreds of dicks?

Maybe I should get on Ozempic?

All that I know for sure is I want to do something.

  • janNatan@lemmy.ml
    9·
    1 year ago

    I went through your comment history to see if you were a troll (sorry), and I noticed that you said that you haven’t used a dating app in 10 years. That would be my suggestion of where to start - use a dating app. Grindr, hornet, scruff, okcupid - doesn’t matter.

    Just talk to people. It always made me feel better. Use a normal, undoctored photo from a normal angle. Somebody will be interested. We don’t sound too dissimilar, looks-wise, and I was constantly surprised by how much attention I got. (Little note here: When writing your profile, focus on mentioning what you like instead of what you don’t like in a potential mate. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, you know?)

    And just be honest about your virginity. I had a friend who was a virgin until he was 28 - didn’t even know he was gay until then either. It happens. People understand. And don’t worry about the small dick thing, especially if you’re wanting to bottom. It’s probably more average than you realize, once you get out there and see a bunch of them.

    There’s a much smaller chance of getting STDs from hand and mouth stuff, so just tell people you don’t do anal until you’ve gotten to know someone well enough to trust them. Heck, I used to say that. I think it’s generally a good practice.

    And perhaps you should be ready to lower your standards a bit. I don’t have a lot of advise here except to say that mine were always pretty low and that has gotten me laid on several occasions.

    But yeah feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Can’t guarantee I’ll respond quickly.

  • mischk@discuss.tchncs.de
    6·
    1 year ago

    Everbody worth being loved and treated with respect. As far as I can see, you neither Love yourself nor give yourself the respect you deserve. Be kind to yourself and stop hurting you. Find a therapist and start solving your issues with selfharm, selfesteem and social anxiaty. Ist better invested money than buying a sexy twink for one night.

  • Sylaran@lemmy.world
    6·
    1 year ago

    someone out there will fuck you guaranteed. If you’re only on grindr, try switching to a different app like growlr that specifically caters to bigger guys and chasers.

    It sounds like you’re being super hard on yourself and you’re probably not as bad off as you feel

    • MrFagtron9000@lemmy.worldOP
      5·
      1 year ago

      I know everything about HIV. It’s just sort of an irrational phobia.

      I mean I know everything about HIV. Like down to the different classes of meds and how they work to stop viral replication. I was sort of obsessed for a while.

      Remember on/r/askgaybros everyday there would be a post that’s like this…

      I’m on PrEP, we use condoms, we both got negative HIV tests two weeks ago, we’re monogamous… but my boyfriend was sitting on top of me and when he removed the condom he was using a single drop of cum fell on my left butt cheek. Today I have a sore throat and my temp is 99.1 - is that seroconversion illness?

      That’s like something I’d post assuming I ever have sex.

      It’s sort of like when I explain to my mom that air travel is the safest form of transportation. Your chances of being involved in a fatal air crash during your lifetime is 1 in 1.2 million vs 1 in 5000 driving. There hasn’t been a fatal commercial airline crash since 2009 in the US. Southwest, the airline we’re on, has never had a fatal crash in it’s history.

      Regardless of that knowledge, she’s still scared of flying anyway. In the same way I’m still scared of HIV. Maybe that’s like a need therapy thing.

  • electrogamerman@lemmy.world
    4·
    1 year ago

    I have paid for escorts before when I was insecure about being gay, my body, sex, etc. Usually they are very strict in regards to protection, so I didnt get any STD from them. I dont regret the times I did it, for me it was money well spent. I didnt do it a lot. Usually masturbation and self-play would be enough for me, but there were some times where I really needed to have some body contact. I would say, if you have the money to do it and it is something you really want to do, then just try it once. Maybe youll love it or maybe youll hate it.

    On the other hand, you are being to harsh in yourself!! You have to learn to love yourself and work on the things that can be worked. I know its hard as F, but start small and keep doing it!