I’m 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I’m a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don’t see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I’m so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be “edgy”. It’s emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don’t enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I’ve just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I’m tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn’t wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

    • Kyrgizion@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      2·
      2 months ago

      The physical wounds have closed, but mentally I’m spiralling.

      I had expected some… drawbacks from the operation but God, I wasn’t prepared to be treated as a literal moron. People see I don’t have teeth or they hear my speech impediment and they don’t even consider me human anymore. Especially at work. On top of that, my son who is being bullied at school got successfully baited by one of his bullies to do something stupid in front of the teacher and he might be expelled. Life’s just a lemon tree that bears fruit daily…