I won a potato and spoon race in year 2. The instructions they gave said if we dropped the potato we should run to where it was and put it back on the spoon so I flicked the potato to the finish line and ran and collected it and won by an absolute mile.

I won gold medals for javelin shotput and discus in the Ayrshire championships as a wean. Although my greatest achieement was winning actual cash money at the Arran Highland Games 4k race for coming in 4th. There may only have been 4 people competing, but prize money is prize money, and I was just glad to finish considering I was more hungover than I’d ever been.

Probably making the team for a worlds level ultimate frisbee club, although I never got to play because of COVID 😩

Either that or climbing E1 trad.

As a lad I was pretty good at table tennis but never exceptional.

I was once forced to run across half of a road when the green man turned red while I was still crossing. I am proud I made it, but it was harrowing.

I won semi-pro doubles at a table football tournament in Lithuania once. Pretty crazy how serious people take table football (foosball) as a sport, really. Was mad fun though.

Won a medal for most improved player once after I missed three penalties. Not the best player, but the most improved. The coaches definitely weren’t feeling sorry for me that day.

Also saved a shot from a premier league footballer once at school. Obviously wasn’t a premier league footballer at the time though.

Not necessarily my greatest but I have a certificate from school for swimming a width. 😂

Best was coming second in a non-competitive 26 mile walk. Worst was the swimming certificate for a width of the local municipal pool whilst clinging to a lump of polystyrene foam. With hindsight the award was probably for not drowning.

I won some medals for ballroom dance when I was maybe 8 or 9. Not a sporting achievement I guess but it required a certain level of athleticism and co-ordination that I’m severly lacking in my 30s.

I came second in long jump on sports day in year 8. I still think about it sometimes.

Of course, only 2 people competed…

During a cricket match trying to hit a six and the ball fell short of the long off boundary by a few metres and my coach shouted “try again!”. I then proceeded to hit the next shot in the same place for six. My cricket career peaked at 16 years old.

Coming 2nd in my high schools cross country race. It was VS all other schools in the area. My mate won but he died a few years later to lukemia.

End of year 3 at secondary school we got to go and do fun things for 3 days such as visit big cities tourist attractions/surf the Internet (in old, fight me!) or my personal favourite: go karting 😎

Highly competitive group that had a minor panic when someone crashed and broke the kart in half but the day progressed anyway. I struggled with the pace of some others, got spun out but somehow still qualified for the final.

Close racing all the way before a crash left just 2 of us in contention for the win. I get a bad exit out of the second to last corner, overtaken but there’s a big hairpin coming up. Fake one way, dice the other and on the brakes daringly late but enough to get up the inside and get the lead before the short sprint to the flag. Exhilarating!

Still got the little plastic trophy I won. 26 years on.

(The rest of the kids were assholes afterwards, go figure)

Once scored an overhead kick during our in-school football tournament. Even got a pat on the back from one of the bigger kids.

I peaked at 9 years old.

My greatest sporting achievement is being so steadfast in my refusal to play rounders, they eventually excused me from junior school P.E. altogether and I got to go hang out in the library instead.

Before that I’d just sort of stand there, let the ball go whirling past me and stare deadpan at anyone who tried to make me feel bad about it.

In hindsight I was a slightly terrifying child.