WTF?!? I’ve always thought of Dr Pepper as the looking like the Pringles man cos playing as an old timey doctor. You know: mustache, bowtie, head mirror and lab coat. Dr Pepper is married to another doctor though, Dr Pepper Cherry. All the other men in the neighborhood wants her. The Peppers have one child, who’s going through a rough patch, dealing with a negative self image, never being as good as his parents, and anorexia. Child’s name is Dr Pepper Light.

Dr. Pepper has a brother too. The brother got into some stupid shit and didn’t finish high school. Now he lives in a trailer park, trying to prove to everyone he’s just as good as his brother, but everyone thinks of him as a redneck drunk on account of his last name. He goes by the name Root Beer. His wife’s name is Ginger, she’s a hottie from Jamaica.

So how dare you question my world view? Hey would you look at that my panic attack is gone. Now I just have a hard on, a can of cherry pepper and a wish to mix it with some ginger beer and rum. I call the drink a “drunk ffm”.