Even despite the age gap, this was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. It was based on mutual respect, trust, communication, and an understanding of each other’s time and goals. I really like her as a person – she’s wonderful. But I also think we’re just not the right fit for each other romantically or sexually, and I’ve slowly begun to realize this over the last few weeks.
A couple of nights ago, I broached the subject and mentioned our sex drives were not super aligned. Mine is much higher than hers, and we both acknowledged neither one of us expected the other to change nor did we pretend it was even possible. She took it very hard, though, and spent about 2 hours crying on my couch while we talked.
We didn’t officially break up, and I know she wants to continue trying. I think she believes I am the one for her, and while she is a wonderful person, she just isn’t the right one for me specifically. How should I go about doing this? I had been hoping the conversation would have led us to that conclusion, but I couldn’t find the guts to end it then, especially because we went from joking around and laughing together that exact night like nothing was wrong to her crying in my arms on the couch.
I feel like I’m setting her up for heartbreak, but I know it’s not fair to either of us to continue in something that I am not long-term invested in.
I’ve experienced that many times in the past, and it’s a perfectly valid reason to be dissatisfied. One problem is that once a relationship has gone that direction, it’s difficult to turn around, if it’s their personality/preference or something about their attraction to you. If it’s that circumstances such as stress or medical issues are in the way, that may be fixable. It’s mattered less to me as I went through my 30s but is still a realistic factor.
Most recently I was in a relationship where we had a good matchup sexually for 3-4 months, until we started experiencing interpersonal friction and disagreements. While we were still affectionate, not quite passionate and sex dropped off. We ended up being basically celibate for the next 2 1/2 years. To me, that’s a waste of my time and potential, as if she wasn’t monopolizing my sexuality, someone else and I would have enjoyed that time. It’s odd to me when people say “oh, I love you, this is the best, let’s stay together and get married” while we haven’t had sex in like, a year.