First off, didnāt know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, Iāll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.
Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I shouldāve taken, but weāll see later on), Iām looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that āI should go vegan if Iām allergic to vealā a lot of times before, but to my mind itās way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know itās not the standard way of doing things, but itās how I want to try to do them for now, at least.
Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please donāt take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I donāt, either.
So, ok, onward to the thick of it. Itās about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, Iāve primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. Itās usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each othersā trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.
Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - Iāve, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.
To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really donāt want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner wonāt have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I canāt see.
This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?
Because I tried going for the āsaferā people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldnāt allow myself to unfold, as it wouldāve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldnāt reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I donāt want to be a loved oneās harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried āsame, but different,ā in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuseā¦
I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!
The reason you find the types youāre going for more intriguing is because they feel familiar, they feel like what you knowā¦ Iām going to guess theyāre pretty similar to what you grew up with or knowing. Learning that hit me hard, because I can definitely relate to how you date, hugely.
Unknown comes with a level of nervous system stress that you arenāt ready to confront. They behave in different ways, you donāt know what theyāre feeling or what will set them off and that not knowing has a huge amount of impending Doom to it, because unpredictable is terrifying, when you have been raised in violence.
The people youāre choosing are the devil you know. That feels safer. You canāt imagine, on a fundamental level, that people come without that level of violence you grew up seeing. So the ones who arenāt that same familiar choice, sub consciously you see them as just as capable of incredible violence, but itās a complete unknown, which feels like itās going to expose you to extreme levels of new traumas. So you shut down towards them, and canāt form connections, sub consciously it feels to dangerous.
I should probably have put this disclaimer before I wrote all this, but I am not a mental health professional and Iām just reflecting some things Iāve found that I feel might fit, just a layperson who has walked a similar walk, and tried to find the why, these were some I found, I donāt know if any of them fit for you.
You seem really cool, I love your brain, I love the way you think, you are really astute and self aware. You have a great grasp on whatās going on around you and you can really see the forest for the trees. Itās so rare to find that level of insight, I really enjoyed reading what you wrote.
I donāt really know what the answer is. The more you work at this, the better youāll get at it. You are able to spot a lot of it, with such a keen eye, maybe take it one step at a time, rather than fix it all at once or make big changes. What are some deal breakers you feel you might need to put in place? What behaviours definitely, always lead somewhere super bad? You have real expertise here. You can still date amongst the people you are choosing, but what boundaries or deal breakers do you need to put in place to protect yourself, to keep your world aligned with all the hard work youāre putting in, and keep aligned with the ideals youāre building for yourself. Who is walking in the same direction as you. Who is capable of the hard work and self reflection, similarly, that you dedicate yourself to. Find someone who can walk with you, and isnāt dragging you off path. Someone focused on the same goals.
There is no hierarchy. That bullspit is all an illusion. You are just as worthy and valued and and deserving of all the things as any of us in a meat suit. When you are more able to see that truth, itās easier to walk away when others donāt treat you well. When you believe in the core of yourself that you arenāt lesser, it almost impossible to stay with someone who treats you as such. There are good people out there, who want to work and build amazing versions of themselves, like you. Find your people. You got this, already, though. You know. The fact you even ask, that you are already able to see toxic that goes too far, you need to give yourself more credit, youāre already a wiz at this. Just be patient and keep choosing you.
See, thatās the weird thing, I know exactly what the pattern is pointing toward, and itās myself. I am looking for someone similar to me. I actually see and steer clear of familiar behaviours which Iāve received from other people whoāve had a role to play in my traumas because I know those are a surefire way toward being abused. I donāt espouse them, either, for the same reasons - I pride myself with having learnt from othersā mistakes.
This is why Iām so damned confused about the feasibility of this tightrope Iām trying to walk. Because I know itās possible to be both healthy, functional and live with your demons openly, Iām living proof of that to myself. But the string of disappointments seems to indicate that itās not actually all that common, which sucks.
As for the devil I know, I know I try to not be one, honestly, which is part of the reason why Iām looking for something similar. I somehow hope that similarity is also an indicator of values and intentionality, and while it has somewhat been a useful benchmark, it seems to be missing a level of nuance which leads to things slipping past my net. And I have no idea how to adjust.
And related to the safe unknowns, itās never been fear, because I both give everyone the benefit of the doubt by default and also understand every individualās innate potential for destruction. I have seen the best and the worst in humans, they donāt scare me anymore. They just annoy and, in extreme cases, anger me. The trouble with the safe choices is their innocence, I meant what I said. Interacting with a person who sincerely doesnāt know the truth behind things is a very specific kind of exhausting and yet another type of walking on eggshells from my perspective. And itās heartbreaking, because I know from the start that some things they will never understand about me until they themselves go through them. And I also meant what I said about not wanting to be anyoneās harsh awakening, because I understand that who I am intrinsically poses that risk to someone who still has that kind of innocence. Itās a very big turn-off, and itās an especially sucky one, because it really isnāt the other personās fault.
And, yeah, I echo everything you said about the power plays one sees in many relationships. And Iām honestly so fucking tired of that shit, those annoying little mind games and flash testsā¦ Iām just too old for that shit, yāknow? Iām looking for someone down-to-earth, whoās dropped their pretences and whoās in it for equal take, be it in getting drunk at the banquet, or dealing with the morning after, so to speak. The main things I seek are companionship, collaboration and mutual understanding, someone with whom to plow through life, as I said. Iām solitary and monogamous, I have very few people close to me at any given time because thatās how Iād rather have it. A partner is more than just āa girlfriendā to me, I donāt even know how to properly express the complexity behind it.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I wished so much for this to not be yet another one of those situations in which your gut was right from the start, kindaā hoped for an easy fix, that couple of words whichād make things click in my head. A-wadinā i shall continue to go, I guessā¦