This is a bit of a vent because I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that’s ok.
I’m a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.
When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.
I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is… I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.
And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.
Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like “oh, all girls are like that.”
I’m super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that… Oh, shit, I’m bi.
And it just upsets me? Like I’m in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m going to marry him in a couple of years. I don’t have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.
And I don’t feel comfortable “coming out”. I have this vague guilt that I’ve lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I’d be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are “actually queer”. I’m worried people won’t believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.
In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I’ll survive to my 30s).
But I just feel like I’m stuck being a straight woman, and it’s just something about myself that I’ll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I’m ashamed to tell anyone because I’m afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.
I’m a cishet white male and I can’t really imagine what it was like, all I can say is I’m sorry you had to go through it. At the same time (and again this is looking through whatever privilege I have had) i think it’s worth coming out to your significant other with no other goal but just to have him know you better. It’s scary. They might react negatively. But if you can afford losing this relationship think - would you rather be married to someone who’s against who you are? Do you want to constantly hide who you are at home? I think if you do come out to him you’ll likely feel more validated and have a “load off your shoulders”