idk where else to post this. my state denied me coverage for healthcare and food share for “making too much,” and now since i can’t acquire insurance elsewhere since i simply can’t afford it, i’m going to lose medication that is currently treating a chronic, life shortening illness. i do not have $509 a month to spend on this drug. and since nobody in my state gives a shit about me i am simply going to go without and suffer the consequences of being unmedicated with my disease.
great.
means testing is immoral and fuck everyone who supports it. you are why i won’t be medicated anymore.
it’s alright, everyone is going to get their wish and there will be one less broken trans person in the world once i work up the courage to end it. shit like this helps. just pushes me closer.
I don’t know you but I want you in the world. I’m sorry that you’re going through that.
i don’t want to be here anymore. it’s been 35 years of torture and torment and fascists are winning. i’m tired. life isn’t precious, there’s no meaning, so let me fucking end my own story.
Yeah, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. We want you around though, that I can say for sure.
Don’t let the fascists decide your destiny, directly or indirectly.
some of us experience negative events routinely. people call it “bad luck” but that implies some kind of superstition. i don’t have bad luck. however, it appears i statistically experience negative outcomes far more frequently than people i personally know. it has to happen to somebody. our outcomes exist on a gradient of two probable states; positive or negative, so when you physically “do something” you become your own tool of measurement by interacting with your surrounding environment. you then “record” the outcome observed in our universe through your action: positive or negative. see? no luck. it’s just math and shit.
my point is, i am what i am going to describe as quantum unlucky. i don’t understand it and it just is what it is, but i am fucking cursed by this universe to experience the shittiest shit as a dumb American. i am beyond exhausted. i cannot convince myself to stay here any longer. i merely exist because i am too afraid to end it. it isn’t necessarily the fascists that would do me in, because i have had a life of misery before i became aware of their existence, but they certainly have made everything more bleak.
Do you have some community around you? The US looks like a sad place to be any kind of minority right now. I’m certain there are many others feeling the same things as you. You’re not alone.
not really, unfortunately. i live in a small-sized city (50-60k residents) near two bigger ones, so while we have a decent amount of resources there isn’t much specific to what i need. and i don’t have many local friends either. i do live with my partner and his mother, so i am fortunate there.
Are you familiar with the Buddhist teaching of The Arrow?
The mental pain is due to our resistance, repulsion, anger, or hatred. Often this resistance takes the form of judgement and anxiety. What are you gaining by holding on to this resistance? Is it worth it?
Thich Nhat Hanh, in his exegesis upon The Arrow in No Mud, No Lotus (p. 46), writes:
What has happened to you is wrong, but none the less there is still joy all around you if you choose to find it. I hope that you do! Please take a look at these links and reconsider.
i truly don’t think anyone understands how miserable i find living to be. i genuinely believe existence to be a cruel prank being played on me. i did not consent to exist and i wouldn’t have chosen to if somehow there was a me to make that decision. if i could press a button and poof out of existence and the memories of those who knew me i would do it without hesitation. the second arrow is not a disproportionate reaction to the first because the first came from a person who actively wants me dead. when i feel the pain of being dehumanized by the state (taking away my benefits; denying me assistance) and/or those around me (voters who think i am scum), the recognizing of that fact is what causes the second arrow to land and cause even more suffering. but that is just me understanding that these people are impacting my actual life and so i am trying to understand what my future risks are like. i need to look ahead, i need to catastrophize because they are constantly working to take away everything i have and need. my second arrow isn’t some kind of pity party or anxious response or depressive episode; my second arrow is me going “fuck they are trying to harm me and i need to be aware and prepared.” idk it feels different here, i don’t think i see it the same.
I don’t think everyone is wishing that. Most people don’t know you. Sux there will be one less person voting for compassion for all the future folk going through something like this. One less person marching. I will say there are folks that very much want these things but not everyone and I don’t even think most people but we don’t have a direct democracy. Its one vote per dollar rather than one vote per person unfortunately since citizens united.
marching isn’t going to do anything, and neither are protests or peaceful demonstrations. we should be far beyond that as a people. i believe that is our only true way forward. i don’t see it happening.
I understand the feeling. We have been going in the wrong direction for a long time. I don’t know ultimately what the protests will do but I will do it as long as I can and would rather have done it in the world we have now than not do it. We have not lost the democracy yet but it is a dark time for freedom .
respectfully, i see it differently than you. regardless of the fact that we’ve never had direct democracy, erosions to our democratic elections have been building for decades upon decades. the power imbalance created by the obscenely wealthy has established an oligarchy that has successfully infiltrated all facets of our government and private tech sector. i hate sounding alarmist but not enough people are talking about Peter Thiel and while yes, Trump is a primary threat, I think Peter Thiel might be the Biblical devil and i’m an atheist.
oh I get that, but its like climate change. Im going to do what I can till the end.