There’s only one right answer to that question. We want a life devoted to each other, until we don’t. When has the answer to that question actually changed the nature of a relationship?
I mean, on the absolute highest fucking level sure, but there’s an absolute ton of shit that can get in the way of that desire working out harmoniously, and that concept has vastly different meanings to different individuals.
Love can conquer all, but love alone is not enough to keep things working happily in the real long term.
Kids, no kids, how many, when?
Exclusive, non-exclusive? Is exclusivity emotional, romantic, sexual, physical, all of the above, or just some subset?
Religion, none, which? Okay with your partner having different religious beliefs than you? Open to conversion? Expect them to convert to yours eventually?
What does a committed relationship mean to each member? Spending the a lot of your time together? Just coming home to each other at the end of every night but primarily living your own lives?
Opinions on alcohol, drugs?
Do they expect you to have a relationship with their family and/or friends? Do they expect you to give up other relationships with friends of the opposite gender? Do they expect you to be okay with them remaining in contact with exs?
Any dealbreakers? Any baggage that they need to be aware of?
None of that shit is day 1, or important to every relationship. Not all of those options are reasonable, some are abusive. But it’s all different shit that I’ve seen cause big fucking problems in relationships.
What would do if I became sick? Would you abandon me? Would I abandon you if you became sick, or be there for you?
Are you more important to me than your ambitions, your compulsive desires? Which dreams are you willing to compromise on to make this relationship work?
Are we combining or finances or keeping them separate? Do you trust me enough to access your bank account and spend your money?
Are we each willing to compromise on our jobs so that we both can have good, but perhaps not ideal employment?
Can you imagine being old with me? Would you feel like you had missed on your youth, that your opportunities in life were wasted?
These are the kinds of things that destroy marriages. People rarely think about the sacrifices they need to make to be married.
Finances should absolutely be discussed beforehand. I fully support split finances in every relationship, and making it clear at the beginning is much better than later on where it might look like a signal of losing trust.
There’s only one right answer to that question. We want a life devoted to each other, until we don’t. When has the answer to that question actually changed the nature of a relationship?
I mean, on the absolute highest fucking level sure, but there’s an absolute ton of shit that can get in the way of that desire working out harmoniously, and that concept has vastly different meanings to different individuals.
Love can conquer all, but love alone is not enough to keep things working happily in the real long term.
Kids, no kids, how many, when?
Exclusive, non-exclusive? Is exclusivity emotional, romantic, sexual, physical, all of the above, or just some subset?
Religion, none, which? Okay with your partner having different religious beliefs than you? Open to conversion? Expect them to convert to yours eventually?
What does a committed relationship mean to each member? Spending the a lot of your time together? Just coming home to each other at the end of every night but primarily living your own lives?
Opinions on alcohol, drugs?
Do they expect you to have a relationship with their family and/or friends? Do they expect you to give up other relationships with friends of the opposite gender? Do they expect you to be okay with them remaining in contact with exs?
Any dealbreakers? Any baggage that they need to be aware of?
None of that shit is day 1, or important to every relationship. Not all of those options are reasonable, some are abusive. But it’s all different shit that I’ve seen cause big fucking problems in relationships.
Those are the easy questions to answer.
How about:
What would do if I became sick? Would you abandon me? Would I abandon you if you became sick, or be there for you?
Are you more important to me than your ambitions, your compulsive desires? Which dreams are you willing to compromise on to make this relationship work?
Are we combining or finances or keeping them separate? Do you trust me enough to access your bank account and spend your money?
Are we each willing to compromise on our jobs so that we both can have good, but perhaps not ideal employment?
Can you imagine being old with me? Would you feel like you had missed on your youth, that your opportunities in life were wasted?
These are the kinds of things that destroy marriages. People rarely think about the sacrifices they need to make to be married.
They are also questions that are almost impossible to truly prepare yourself for. Although discussing them beforehand surely does help.
Finances should absolutely be discussed beforehand. I fully support split finances in every relationship, and making it clear at the beginning is much better than later on where it might look like a signal of losing trust.
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