(Or, hell, another nation while I’m dreaming 😅 :-\ ) Walls of backstory (possible to make a cross-instance link? Doesn’t seem so): https://pawb.social/post/8062162 https://pawb.social/comment/7374899
Short backstory: Broken critter, 34 Earth-around-Sol-goings old, probably agoraphobic (as in fear-of-crossing-thresholds, not fear-of-public-spaces) and AuADHD. Stuck living with “family” but now they’re abusive and near-violent. Called cops on me, tried to throw me out with nothing miles from the nearest town, threatened to cut off my Internet access as if keeping me from working out how to leave is the best way to make me leave. Hatefool logic stuff 🙄, bullies both.
This-post story: Is there anycritter who can
-Pick me up when I figure out where to go and/or give me/point me at a safe place to stay (am currently in northeastern Oklahoma, outside of a little town about forty minutes from Tulsa), or
-Help paw-holdguide me through figuring out how to settle in somewhere safer, even a decent* roommate who can maybe help me find the best places to go/be/work/eat/live/etc.?, or
-Just straight-up flee somewhere with me and help work stuff out together? Weird scary idea, sure, but… whatever I guess. Not as scary to me as going it alone, I think maybe. May be able to help financially, even. Probably ridiculous to even think any of this but it’s a nice dream to just hop on a bus/plane/silt strider and piss off with somecritter to greener pastures 🤷 …Presumably flipping every single bird at where we came from.
If not that, some advice on how much things even cost could be really useful. What does it cost to move these days? In time and US Dollars, particularly. And phone calls. Those are terrifying. Anyway Idunno what kind of budget to expect beyond single, discrete things. $100-350 bus fare to Minneapolis, $150-400 air fare depending on when. $60ish per night for a cheap hotel room near here, plus a $100-200(?) deposit I may not get back that apparently isn’t mentioned very upfrontly. Those I can just look up but getting a full mental picture of like, a 25-hour bus trip including food/drinks, the bus fare itself, stuff I’ve not even thought of yet…??? I’d prefer to fly if I can, but then maybe I need a hotel somewhere because of a cancelled flight, and either spend twice as much on the ticket or have to find somewhere to stay for a bit over two weeks, and cab fare to get to the hotel if I need one (or more!), and… ugh!
PS: Sorry this is all really weird and maybe creepy. I’m really weird so maybe it’s not unfair to be upfront about that 😅 but also I’m “a little” unsettled by this mess so I’m just kinda blurting things out hoping something makes sense and maybe helps :-\
*“Decent” in terms of interpersonal respect and whatnot, not like… “not weird” or something. Certainly not the video game, that’s Descent.
Update 27th March, 03:36 CDT/08:36 UTC
Just gonna talk to myself for a sec, I guess. Probably nocritter else up at this hour. 😓 Welcome to my diary! Or rather, you now are my diary. Congrats! It’s an odd role. So, every day’s a hell of a trip, and not a fun one. Hours of bad followed by struggle. Just now finally got around to doing some work. Bets on whether I make it? 🤷 Helps to talk…don’t wanna drag anycritter down 🤷 Bleegh. Anyway, turns out stuff is big and space for packing stuff is not. Gotta figure out how much I can handle carting around, maybe see if I can find (and get) my carry-on luggage-thingle. Easiest just to cram what I can into a backpack and big-luggage I guess. Already have a couple of each in here. Was using them as catchalls <.< What goes, what stays… ugh. Very ugh. Triple hyper ugh! And the checked luggage fees… damn. Hurts being alone, in every way. Chatting yesterdayish was nice, just sad and quiet now. Am just crying out loud I guess 🤷
Could still really use:
- Somewhere to stay: for a week or a day (or until mid-next month when air fare’s better, but who’s wishing for miracles? Oh, it’s me.)
- Somewhere to go: could be somecritter’s weird wiggly
wroommate 🤷 Else maybe advice on where to look for an apartment. Idunno if “cheap and walkable” is a thing that exists but Idunno how the hell I’m gonna be able to get around 🤷 Currently just assuming I’m going to Minneapolis. No freaking clue what to do after that beyond looking for a box to hide in and snatching up like, a bowl and something cheap and edible to put into it. … What a ridiculous “princess experiences real life” movie I’ve got going on here 🤦♀️ Anyone want a weird ugly pet to take care of 😅 - Maybe even just some company? At this point even a voice call sounds great. Fair warning: might just cry the whole time. Am already doing that, in fact.
- I still wish somecritter would just come rescue me but I totally didn’t say that 'cause it’s scary I guess 🤷 😶🌫️
Will even accept cis people! Only asked here because I’m a little bit familiar around here and can’t bring myself to ask anywhere else.
Also, how does one get, say, a bunch of groceries from a shop to a home without a car to store it in? Just haul a bag or two at a time, make multiple trips if needed? Seems like that’d get unwieldy and dangerous really fast, even with like, only two bags but there are cans in there so they can’t both be in one hand so like… 🙀 Kindof a shower thought I guess. Still hoping to get one of those today. 💡 Oyeah, maybe use the rolly luggage thingle.
Okay, it’s been like an hour and a half just… rambling another wall of crap. I hope somecritter can like, study all’ this or something. Maybe I can play a part in advancing Brokenology (scientific study of broken things).
Update 28th March, 04:50 CDT
Just booked the flight. I’ve been looking at things, bus routes, shelters, apartments, hotels. Feels like I’m kidding the hell out of myself thinking I can do this at all. I should just quit. It’ll be harder if I leave. I’ll get there and I’ll have no one and nothing but a big bag of crap someone’s going to want to take. I can’t do this. Why the fuck would I think I can do this? It’s gonna be dozens of calls and days of wandering the city bleeding funds and maybe literally bleeding just to find out how fucked I am. I’m not built for this hell-world. I can barely handle getting a Discord call from someone I like, how am I gonna survive creating a life from nothing in a new city when there are people who’ve been there their whole lives, who aren’t as broken as I am, who still rely on shelters and soup kitchens? I’ll just die a slow, cold death instead of a quick painless one I can have here.
I’m sorry, I know no one wants this crap around. I just feel so damn lost, and like everything’s set up so well to make sure I can’t possibly be okay, ever.
Can’t just buy a place to stay, even if I can afford it. Could get a hotel for like a week, then be totally fucked. Who’s gonna hire me? Maybe somewhere truly horrific. And I’ll struggle like hell to even apply. Why even try 😭 This is stupid, I’m just throwing my idiot self at a “nicer place” like it’s gonna save me.
Managed to schedule a Lyft for Friday morning, to get me to the airport. I just feel really sick. Maybe I’ll get a fascist driver who’ll just shoot me and dump my corpse in the river. Probably a better fate than what I’ll get trying to live a dream, like a total shithead. Ugh.
Nobody’s even gonna show, I’ll have to freaking scramble up an Uber, then when that falls through just go fuck myself trying to dream up a cab company that’ll come out here. FML.
I made a slightly farther similar trek in July to the twin cities, even though I had no job here or family.
Its taken me this long, but I’m just about to get an apartment of my own, meaning I’ve been in my car the whole time. Its been sooooo worth it, and frankly I’d be dead if I didn’t decide to leave the shithole that is Texas.
I wish I knew a place to help you out, but I may be able to help with resources (guess who has free healthcare and gets E injections 😁). Feel free to reach out to me. MN is more hospitable and seems to welcome everyone for the most part.
As a born Minnesotan, I am very glad that people can come here and feel safe. That’s rough living out of your car, especially during winter; I’m happy for you that you finally got an apartment. 🎉
How does MN compare in terms of cost of living to some other “escape states”? West coast is going to be expensive (theyre kinda famous for it), not sure how Chicago and MN sit.
Costs are kinda over-inflated in my part of Ohio (I think landlords finally figured put they can milk the DoD for a lot of money in rent, huuuuuge military/veteran population)
It feels only slightly higher for my standard of living. And back in texas, I had no healthcare, any public services I tried to use (if they even existed) throughout my time as an adult were slow as fuck and not a soul treated me as a woman.
Fortunately, I’ve not had to stay in a shelter since arriving here, but if I did, I could go to the women’s shelter, and supposedly if any staff took issue with that they would not be staff for much longer. Unfortunately, I’ve only just now made real progress on plans to get myself into an apartment, so my experience is limited.
Gas is slightly more if you get it in the burbs, much more in the cities proper, but thats the case in Texas and Oklahoma too. Basic groceries are about the same pricing.
If you have a nicotine dependence, be prepared to pay a bit more than you might be used to.
Thats about all I can think of, sorry I don’t have more info.
Thankfully no dependencies or addictions on my end except food, I’m a foodie and eat more than I should. I do like access to international food ingredients though, and I will absolutely miss having Jungle Jims so close (HUUUUUUGE crazy and weird international grocery store in Cincinnati) when I eventually leave.
I’m not too familiar with that scene, but I know that at least 2 cultural grocery / markets are nearby to where I’m at most days, I’m sure there’s probably more than enough here.
Woah… I literally grew up in Fairfield. That’s crazy someone else knows of jungle Jim’s! Do they still have the crazy Elvis bear robot thing? 😅
Popping into this thread to say that I have a ton of relatives in the Cincy area, so add one more who knows Jungle Jim’s!
I’m smelling an irl trans convention at Jungle Jim’s! 😹
I’ll be chilling at the movie theatre inside.
Oh man, they’ve only gotten bigger and more weird over time. Elvis bear is still over by the bakery/candy section
Over the last few years they completely redid the main entrance, it’s huge and has a toy section, plus there’s a Graeters ice cream in there
Cookware department is MASSIVE now, also by the entrance
I’m not the person you replied to, but I’ve lived in MN my whole life. I can say that we are definitely cheaper than the West Coast, not sure how we compare to Chicago. I did quickly check rent prices in both Minnesota and Illinois, both have a decent amount of apartments available in the $500 to $750 range but Illinois has more available, although they also have twice as many people living there. If you have any other questions I’d love to answer them.
Oh wow, that sounds nice. I’m paying around 1250 a month (this includes water/trash) for a pretty rundown old 2bd apartment with the some of the worst water hardness in the state (Calcium, not iron. my shower head screams, I’ve had it taken off and cleaned out but it only lasts about a week). Only saving grace is its way back in a suburban neighborhood, off the main road, with easy/close highway access
I really wish I could help you out with a place to stay, but I’m currently a broke college student. I do live in Minnesota so if you have any questions I’d love to answer them.
I also may be able to guide you a bit. I live in a more rural area but I’m still somewhat familiar with the cities.
Thankies. Maybe some day I’ll cosplay a college student up there and we can share some free food 😅
At least, I assume eating free food is still the favourite pastime of college students. Maybe it’s something else now <.<
Hi, it’s me again.
I just found this HUGE doc chalk-full of LGBT-focused resources for Minneapolis. There’s a whole section on shelters and transitional housing, also stuff like food pantries. I wish I had found this sooner.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-1Z7KYtcjrxwvMOy3Luwt6ICnCpt5sgNTrYGPZtW_yk/editAlso, have you decided on travel plans yet? It’s not likely there’s gonna be someone on here who can drive you from rural NE OK to the airport (I’m assuming you want to fly out of Tulsa, right?) because not many people, especially trans/queer people live around there and they are less likely to know of this specific community. Maybe you could post around on reddit and stuff, but I’d be safer (and easier, logistically speaking) if you made taxi/rideshare arrangements with the money you have.
P.s. Do you prefer to be called Keris or Riikka?
I’d found that list elsewhere (through MN Transplant, I think) but thanks.
I guess I’m just hoping for magic to happen so somecritter swoops in and saves me from having to do this alone. Maybe more likely my “family” successfully killed me by dragging me out here ages ago and my body’s just not caught up yet.
I keep smiling a little when people call me “Keris” so I think I like that one. Hard to know anything latelish.
The light at the end of this tunnel is not, in fact, a train! The other side of a plane ride is gonna feel like some kinda lucid dream till the brain decides its reality 🫠
I hope you get the best night’s sleep once you’re through the hard part of the trip, Keris! Or during! Idk how long oklahoma to Minnesota is by plane, last plane ride I had was trans atlantic
[ramble] I feel like there is a train and I just can’t move. Not sure I’ve stopped shaking in days. Sometimes I’m sure I’m just not mentally capable of going through with all’ this, or of even living in this world. The hopeful, adventurous times just don’t last very long and aren’t very strong. I’m almost reasonably sure I can make the flight happen but it’s just impossible to account for anything and I just don’t have time :( If even one thing goes wrong… feels like walking into a minefield, I just balk and fall apart even thinking about it. I can try to tell myself that even being homeless there is probably better than “living” in this awful box but my mental fuckups don’t care about any kind of logic :-\ There are tons of logical fears, of course. What if I can’t get to my money, what if some phobic prick overcharges me somewhere, what if I can’t use this card like I need to, what if I got added to a no-fly list because I share a birthday with somebody who has dark skin…
Ugh. If I just had more time and less stress, I could make a real plan. I really can’t manage more than a couple/few hours of trying per night (and day is complete nope) sooo… welp. If I had somecritter with me, I could make a plan or follow one. If I had stronger meds I could maybe cut through whatever phobia thing I have… But I’m given only a few more days, can’t reasonably go anywhere to get meds (nor to get more time/less stress! Rrgh this feels so solvable, just not for me) even if I contact my doc, and if there’s anyone around who might help me I’ll never find them or I’m just too pathetic to bother with. Hard to imagine it’s not the latter, honestly. I guess someone capable of surviving this world would’ve been gone by now. [/ramble] (Sorry, I just… spewing is almost all I can do any more :( )
You’re wonderful, though. Thanks much for sticking around and saying things at me and helping and stuff <3 You and cowboycrustation and the other critters too. Is a good place here :-\ Flight between Tulsa and Detroitish is something like 45 minutes, so I’d guess it’s a vaguely similar time to Minneapolis. Now, if I could get them to just circumnavigate Earth once or twice on the way instead… I’d have time to figure some more things out. And relax a little. 😮💨
Talking and chatting in MMOs is how i stayed sane for 3 years working 2nd shift while still living with my parents haha. I was usually going to bed at 5am, and my dad gets up for work at… 5am (or earlier because cats want food). That was a miserable timeperiod.
Flights might get more expensive leading up to the April 8 eclipse, every hotel in my city has been booked in advance MONTHS ago and my work advised everyone to stay home to avoid traffic and crowds.
It looks like part of it is going through southeastern oklahoma, so there might be a lot of traffic in every airport in the state the weekend before. It sounds like you’re going to be out of there a bit sooner than that though (the BS 7 day eviction).
Lots of planes coming in might also mean lots of planes having to leave sooner to clear out hangers, so that might make flights leaving oklahoma and going to a non-eclipse location (like minnesota) miiiight be cheaper? In a perfect world? But not a discount I would count on, corpo greed is far more reliable a metric
Oh, is that why tickets are like twice the price until halfway through April :| Great. I couldn’t have picked a better time to say “no.” 🤦 😮💨 'Be great if I could find a way to make it past the event, I think, but it’s looking like everything’s a nope but literally just “get a cab and a plane ticket and hope the rest works out.” Slightly terrifying plan, honestly. “Slightly.”
I’m glad you were well-supported by that MMO-based mental health care 😅 Reminds me that RIFT cracked my first shell a bit. I’ve always used odd names and I ended up with a group who didn’t know what pronouns to use but I somehow didn’t want to “correct” them 😅
In other news, the first money-transfer is supposed to complete today. I went for only part because I was afraid someone would get excited over transferring too much, or too much of what’s in there, and demand to contact an account owner but end up just reminding her to rob me. Well, hopefully all’ that goes smoothly and I can afford something nicer than a cardboard box under an overpass. Will probably be settled one way or another by the time I wake (yay nocturnality!).
This whole thing could’ve been great if it hadn’t happened like this 😒
Woohoo! Money!
Yeah, niche MMO communities are great, particularly the late nighters (I would honestly like second shift again, I liked the hours, it was just a shit job (grocery store deli) and conflicting schedules with living situation at the time). For a long time (pre-egg-splat) people thought I was a woman and it felt weird to “correct” them. Community for me was mostly women and ran a bit older but that’s the nature of an older MMO. Friendly folks ☺️
Jumping ship is very nerve wracking. Once things are in motion it feels like it moves fast, but you’ll look back at some point and surprise yourself by how far you’ve come 😅 Last time I moved to a new apartment I was actively trying to avoid an incoming snowstorm (I was too sore to even put together my BED for days, that suuuucked).
I recommend keeping at least 1 or 2 small keepsakes, preferably ones with good, un-tainted memories. Most of the souvenirs I had from my childhood were either thrown out while moving or stolen by teachers for being “distracting” (ADHD of the “need something in my hands” variety) 😒
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Can’t stay asleep, freaking out 😰 I must be getting some kind of workout shaking this much.
Good news, though: the first one went through! PayPal balance may be enough to get a month of apartment and even a cupcake if both are cheap 😅 And assuming I can pay that way. Gonna be upsetting if I get there and find out nobody takes debit cards or something. Way too many things that can go very wrong >.<;
Once I get started I may be fine emotionally even if I end up in a struggle. There’s a kind of “Okay, now I’m out and I’m doing me” kind of feeling after I cross a threshold, where I’m out of whatever safety-blanket-place (hope that makes some sense <.<) and depending on myself unless I specifically ask someone else for help. Will likely still be pretty nervous at least, especially in this case. Haven’t been without a safety net before, which… yeah okay, real people in the real world don’t always have those but pressing the lil green button on my phone can take literal days and make me lose my lunch so 🤷 some of us aren’t cut out for the real world I guess.
Really wish I could take more. If I take two big-luggages I can grab a bunch of stuff but moving around with both is surprisingly unwieldy (and expensive to get onto a plane) so I feel like one is the best I can realistically do. Gotta figure out what has to go rather than what I can take 😩 My horde of plushies… sigh Hope I can manage at least one or two. May still take this crappy little bracelet I got off’ Amazon. First “girly” thing I got specifically for that purpose. A critter said it’s the sort of thing that “helps hold the girl in” 😅 It’s all mucked up and like… corroded or something, but it’s something me.
Where’s my Gandalf?! 😅
Stressful as hell having so little time >.<;That quote goes so hard
Keris how are you doing? First and foremost, remember to breathe whenever you feel panicked or shaky. 4 seconds in, 8 seconds out, repeat it at least a few times. Give this whole thing your best shot.
It’s normal to feel very scared at a big change like this, and I can tell that you not everything’s going to go perfectly. Still, at some point in the future you will look back and say that leaving the abusive situation and finding a better group of people, were the best decisions you’ve ever made. In order to be able to say that you’ve got to not give up hope through the worst of it. Cheering for you. If you somehow will find yourself in Vancouver BC lmk.
Yay, congrats on scheduling the Lyft and flight :D That’s a HUGE first step that you just took.
I know it’s not hard to let anxiety and all of the bad “what-ifs” shape your perception of the future. The unknown is really scary sometimes. But like…what if things turned out okay? If you think of your worst case scenarios, and then your best case ones, it usually ends up being something in the middle. That’s a good place to set your expectations. It’s very likely that it will at least be better than the situation you’re in now. You’ll get to meet other queer people! You won’t have your parents controlling your life and manipulating you.
Ultimately, you’re not gonna know how it’ll turn out unless you take the plunge and do it. Things may not always go according to plan, but you’ll adapt and figure things out as you go along. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you tried and did what you could instead of wondering about what could have been for the rest of your life.
P.s. when you get the chance to go by a store, get some vitamin D tablets. You’re likely very deficient in it since you’ve been cooped up. Low vitamin D can cause things like depression to worsen and get out of hand. Also helps with bone health. Might help with feeling a little better.
Weird as it sounds, a large fries and a large ice water from fast food does wonders for getting nutrients and fixing dehydration
Just saw this and my reply is immediate and enthusiatic:
Gimme! 😅
I’m really rooting for you! I live in Chicago, it’s pricey but accepting for the most part.
Hey Keris, I’m too far away to help, but I’ve been following the situation. I understand your feelings of helplessness and dismay, and I can relate to the desire to admit defeat.
You must not give up.
When I was in a very dark place, there was one thing that gave me comfort and the strength to persist:
If I truly give up right now, then I literally have nothing to lose. So I may as well do whatever the fuck I want in this moment. And what I want is to live for myself and not give up!
I know it’s a weird way of looking at it, but I’m weird. When I am at that lowest feeling, life looks like a video game where I am free to do what I must do to achieve my goals.
It can be difficult to stay in this mindset. I have found myself switching back and forth between calm resolve and uncontrollable full-body shaking. But I have so far always managed to persist, to keep going for myself.
Please believe in yourself.
❤️
In the words of Miles Morales, “Nah. Imma do my own thing.”
The power of “fuck it, might as well” can do wonders
Keris,
Make sure you extract some cash from your bank account. It is always best practice to carry some cash in case anything happens with your debit card. $50-100 is a good amount to carry, just put it in a place where you won’t lose it (like inside of your phone case).
It wouldn’t be a bad idea to go ahead and contact some of the organizations in the resource doc and explain when you’ll arrive and what you need.
Also for groceries, there are these little cart things that you can buy which look like a combination of a laundry basket and a suitcase but they’re made specifically to carry groceries and stuff. You might could use one of those roller plastic laundry baskets in a pinch. Might could find one off Amazon or something when you get there. Maybe Walmart or target. A nice-ish one will work well.
Remember to roll up your clothes instead of fold them in your suitcase. It saves room. Some airports have luggage carts that you can use to transport your luggage. Keep your most important things (toiletries, meds, chargers, etc) in your carry on as opposed to your checked bag, because they can get lost or delayed occasionally.
Btw, thanks for the update. I’m willing to hop on a voice call later. Ask Zorsith if they want to join too. We can all play Minecraft or something.
Remember to roll up your clothes instead of fold them in your suitcase. It saves room.
Really?! Aahhh I’m gonna try that!
Didn’t know there were grocery-carrier thingles, but that makes sense. Thanks.
Zorsith has been informed of the
threatoffer of voice callness 😅 Dunno how or when or where though 🤷 I probably can’t do Minecraft because Microsoft decided to lock off my account because they want my phone number :-\Those grocery carrier things are neat! I think they fold up super flat and compact for storage and carrying! Also, an insulated fabric bag to keep things cold is super useful, I didn’t think I’d use it as much as I do but it’s super handy!
Seconding the rolling up clothes, it does save space, just be prepared to have to re-roll them because “F u we’re the TSA”
Alas, I do not possess a microphone (nor the spare cash to go get one real quick. I’ve actually been thinking about getting one) Which is weird for an (I guess former?) MMO player, I agree, but I DID learn to type fast!
Plus, I’m in the process of moving furniture around and setting my desktop back up 😅 this desk is stupidly heavy and hard to move…
👍
Totally down to do some gaming at some point tho, been far too long since I had friends to game with 🫤
I’m down for that
Oop, hadn’t seen this when I messaged you. I also never really did voice calls. Nerve-wracking, almost like phone calls. Dunno how I managed to rope myself into one today 😅 Mostly avoiding humans, especially ones who demand voice comms (which, considering my voice made me feel ill for a while and I really hated it even before that…), tended to help mitigate the need for, well, voice comms.
No worries! I only just saw this/ your message. I’ll Def chat at you on discord (and Matrix when I someday get around to trying it). Just had dinner after forgetting to eat for checks notes 10 hours and wondering why I was feeling a little shaky 😅
I found conversations in general a lot easier/less stressful when it’s with folks with similar interests. Anime and gaming are big ones for me (I’m a nut and was, about a year ago, caught up on subbed One Piece. I paused at the start of the big Kaido fight and need to go finish it), but it’s rare for me to be playing “current” games.
I’ve done maybe too much gaming <.< Some anime, too, though not as much popular stuff I think 😅 Remember to eat! I hear that’s important.
Commenting to boost this post
Giving up was the correct choice. Now what can I do? Get told to tough it out a hundred times? I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can’t stop shaking. I realize my hopes are all dreams and I just fall apart. I need out. I need somewhere safe to start, somewhere I can be okay and learn to live. It’s pathetic, okay, I’m fragile. I can’t just "hit the ground running. " You’re all wrong, you’re just getting me hurt.
Please please please someone save me or end me. I’m not okay. I can’t. I’ll fly out again, whatever. Just don’t leave me like this.
I let myself think I had a hope and a place but it was bullshit, I’m supposed to get ground up and fix myself before I can have anything. Tricked out of the end I deserve, basically, just because people insist on keeping others alive for nonsense reasons. I don’t deserve to have it easy but I need a safe place to grow and I do deserve to choose to not suffer more. Shouldn’t have listened. I hate this and I can’t anything and now I’m stuck. And sick. And screwed.
I wish I hadn’t done it. Bullet was the better choice. I wish so hard I’d made the right one instead. I can’t do this up from nothing thing. I’m drowning. Sick, can’t eat. Terrified. City is huge and danger and has much ick.
I let myself think I’d have a stable start and a friend but he’d rather I get robbed or whatever in a shelter. Maybe I just didn’t impress. Seems to have reasons but it’s just too clear that no one understands.
All the “you can do it” in the world can’t help me. I’m begging, someone keep me or kill me. I’m not looking for all your money, just a box to hide in and maybe a friend. I’ll try to help out, or pay/share rent, or whatever. I just can’t drop into all this and “hit the ground running” This is not my world
