Tesla, a future case study for securities law classes across America, had to stop delivering Cybertrucks this past weekend. No, not because the hundred-thousand–dollar medium-duty pickup, which is only any of those things in the loosest interpretive sense, tends to brick when it gets rained on; nor because its stainless steel panels get all rusty and nasty-looking after weeks exposed to the rare, harsh condition of “being outside.” Perhaps you think it has something to do with the shorter-than-advertised driving range and longer-than-advertised charging time, but no: Rather, the cause of this snag is that the trucks struggle with the basics of stopping and going, by which I mean that the accelerator pedal cover slides off and gets stuck under a panel and locks the accelerator pressed down and keeps the Cybertruck stuck at maximum velocity.
Other Tesla models have had issues with speeding up and slowing down at the wrong times. The company was sued in 2017 by drivers whose cars drove themselves unexpectedly through garages and into walls; a German paper reported last year on over 2,400 complaints about sudden braking problems; and a safety researcher published a white paper showing how voltage spikes could lead Teslas to speed up without warning. You are supposed to like this because it means you are on the cutting edge, helping Elon Musk in his quest to save humanity.
Suckers who ordered Cybertrucks a few months or years ago and expected deliveries this weekend did not get their cars, nor a precise explanation for why they did not get their cars, but instead were simply told, “Hi, we have just been informed of an unexpected delay regarding the preparation of your vehicle. We need to cancel your delivery appointment for tomorrow and we will reach out again when we’re able to get you back on the schedule.” Maybe someone with a hot glue gun will get on this one.
I saw one in the wild the first time a couple weeks ago on an interstate. It looks so fucking dumb in person. The pictures don’t do it justice of how insanely stupid looking it is.
I finally saw one in person, and this is so true. It’s like a kindergartner was told to draw a picture of a truck and then made it in real life.
I saw one in person too, it’s like a car that didn’t load in properly. It was a running joke in my class as we all had to pass that stupid brick to get to our class.
I compare to a kindergartner drawing a house and then said, fuck it, it’s a truck and put wheels on it.
Elon probably did do that and told his engineers to make it.
And that is not because it doesn’t already look insanely stupid in pictures.
I really can’t imagine it looking even dumber in person. I hope i never have to see one tho
I’ve seen like 4 or 5 so far (Bay Area). It ALWAYS catches my eye how stark and stupid they look.
I have seen a total of one in the wild. It was -painted black-. Hard to comprehend the mindset.
It was most likely wrapped in vinyl.
Unfortunately for the owners, it’s not just for vanity, see (literally), handprints, rust, and “surface contamination” all but requiring getting some sort of protective skin, wrap, iPhone case or whatever installed as soon as you get it to prevent damage/maintenance. Oh good thing ol tessy sells a factory wrap.
Tesla wasn’t always like this. Something changed. Somewhere a load-bearing corner was cut and it’s been shit ever since.
I think the load-bearing corner was the original founders, and the shit that replaced it is Elon Musk.
Yup, he swooped in, took all the credit, and then bullied all the talent out of the company.
He did the same thing to twitter, but faster to that company.
I thought it was the Onion, haha
c/nottheonion
I saw one in person in Akron. The kids made fun of it.
I saw two of them this weekend. One of them was painted a bright, bright green, which managed to make it even uglier. When we were driving on the freeway next to the first one, my first thought was it looked like a vehicle from one of those cheap 70s or 80s sci-fi movies where they make some “futuristic” car by putting a shell on a regular car and you can tell that the suspension wasn’t modified to handle it, so it drives like shit and looks stupid.
I feel like the mohawked futurists of Mad Max would take a look at one and just shit themselve laughing before crushing one like an aluminium can
Bypass the subscription wall: https://archive.is/XntJn
Thanks, site is cancer.
Why would you pay that much money just to be made fun of. Owning a Tesla is bad enough, but a cybertruck is just begging for ridicule.
You don’t own a Tesla , you lease the software to keep it running.
Dire straits money for nothing lookin ass car. Fuck that thing.
excellent headline is excellent and made me lol fr
I just really hope the 7,000lb steel truck doesn’t crush someone to death. What a fucking awful design.
Unless it’s their owner and then no one of value would be lost
Well, that’s the other thing. The Cybertruck has NO crumple zones, meaning in the event of a crash all of that energy is going into the passengers. I feel like at best you’d be lucky to get out with severe whiplash.
Still, I’m more concerned about someone being flattened or worse, used for nefarious purposes. If anyone regrettably remembers when some peaceful protestors disrupting freeway traffic had a giant truck driving through them (not the Semi in Minneapolis but the regular Large Truck owner driving through an abortion rally protest, hitting 2 people).
As the Bay Area is both a nexus for world-class goobers and the region where Tesla used to be and kinda-sorta still is headquartered, I have seen a lot of Cybertrucks out in the wild over the past few months. They are remarkably fake- and shitty-looking in any context (Is that a big toaster with wi-fi next to me at the exit? Who’s driving the scrap metal assemblage with Bryan Colangelo-esque proportions? Why does every Cybertruck driver I glance at appear to be simultaneously peacocking for attention but also totally embarrassed, haunted by the unexamined knowledge that as a maneuver in a culture war they paid $100,000 for a car that doesn’t work?)
The ghost of John Deloreon is laughing.
The modern age Edsel
I actually kinda want an Edsel, if only because they’re quirky and weird.
Looking like a big piece of shit would be a hint to most people
I don’t think that the author knows what securities law is.
