Image: bingo card labeled “bad at being a person bingo”
For the sake of describing this card through a narrative, the columns from left to right will be letters A thru F, and the rows top to bottom will be numbers 1 thru 5.
Squares
1A: i don’t know wtf is going on
1B: LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY THINGS OMG SHINY
1C: elaborate daydreams
1D: something is wrong but i don’t know what
1E: why is my backpack full of rocks and papers from a year ago
2A: puts things down; where’d it go
2B: scared of human
2C: having a body is weird wtf
2D: is suddenly really good at a particular thing for 3.2 days
2E: i’m tricking people into thinking i’m one of them
3A: am i just not trying hard enough
3B: doesn’t eat; why do i feel bad
3C: error 404 motivation not found
3D: stares at wall for an hour
3E: walks out into the snow without a winter coat
4A: “why can’t you do this?” i don’t know
4B: on second thought that was a terrible decision
4C: time goes slow and then fast
4D: walks into wall
4E: World’s Most Messy Room
5A: sorry i didn’t respond to any of your messages for six months
5B: weird sense of humor
5C: how do i tell if people like me
5D: how are other people so good at talking
5E: idk if i’m coming off as creepy all the time
Edit: I just realized that I absentmindedly relabeled the columns from BINGO to ABCDE. I like mine more anyway.
I’m currently on a waiting list for an official ASD diagnosis (takes around a year here, there is a huge lack of experts certified for adult cases), but my current psychiatrist already shares my assumption that I am autistic. I’m in my 30s, so I have three decades worth of built-up trauma from being diagnosed and treated improperly, having been in some form of psychological or psychiatric care basically since childhood.
In hindsight, I am a bit pissed it was never discovered/considered. It’s not like I ever kept signs like my delayed speech acquisition in childhood, early reading/writing acquisition, daily meltdowns as a kid which morphed into internalised shame, shutdowns and depression/burnout with age a secret.
What I was most fascinated by was the things I did not tick off. Like, because I got extremely good at masking and studying behaviours/“roleplaying” identities and internalising them, I am actually relatively competent in social settings/situations. They sure are exhausting though…
Also, just a few weeks ago, when I was still in my “pushing myself too hard (because that is how you overcome depression and anxiety, right? Just do the things and learn they are safe and stuff), failing and then internalising self-hatred” - spiral, I would definitely also have had the “messy room” one and “motivation 404” one.
Yep! I’m still going thru something similar. If someone ever develops a program for newly diagnosed autistics, it’s probably going to include a grief and forgiveness section, followed by learning to develop new trust in yourself and others.
Oh, for sure, currently doing that kind of processing solo. If my experience with going through the psychotherapy and psychiatry systems for decades has given me anything, thankfully, it’s the ability to reflect and process shit.
Good luck for you and your path in life, too. It sucks you went to similar things, but as Sartre said: “Freedom is what we do with what is done to us.” There’s always a path forward.