I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
Yes, in the first few months after egg-cracking I would sit down and journal for an hour, writing out every “sign” or indication I could remember from growing up where suddenly I could make sense of it because I was trans. Things like: why in 3rd grade did I wear a heavy winter coat in the hot summers, why did I never feel comfortable showing my legs or arms in public (there wasn’t a single day I went to school in shorts and short sleeves, I covered up no matter how hot and humid the weather was).
very cis thing to do /s
I literally thought I might have been a victim of sexual assault, and just had repressed memories and couldn’t remember.
At the time I was thinking this, I was seeing a therapist and had as my primary goals to be less like a man, undo male socialization, be more like a woman, like be more emotionally sensitive, etc. The therapist thought maybe I had experienced some things my mom did as inappropriate and maybe it explained the symptoms. My mom did some inappropriate things, but I don’t think they were traumatizing, nor do they explain the discomfort with my body. Anyway, a bit ironic looking back. Is it normal for cis men to want to not be like a man and also cover up their bodies like trans people feel compelled to do? 🙃