2yrs ago I literally just said “you look nice, and it’s cold out so good for you putting in the effort” as I was walking the opposite direction as a strange woman. DO NOT DO THAT, recognize for yourself that they are there, but do not acknowledge people. She threw a hissy fit and tried to make it look like I was harassing her, her fat but much nicer friend whom I also complimented took it well and said “it is cold”, the pretty bitch literally started walking like a dinosaur and had a meltdown because I just left. You don’t need these people. Just act like they are an annoyance to even be in your presence and get a dog or two. It’s better that way, permanently.
well i’ve made the experience that people who could be considered “pretty” by social beauty standards are more likely to be mean.
the way i explain it is through the “ideal bonding distance” theory. in chemistry, if you have two atoms forming a molecule, they typically keep a certain distance from one another. In society, something similar is happening. People like to have a certain distance from one another. If it’s too big, they’ll try to get closer to other people. If it’s too close, they try to push other people away. Since “pretty” people make the experience a lot that other people try to come way to close to them (for their own liking), they develop a habit of, in general, pushing people away, thus the mean appearance. People who don’t build that habit (because they don’t need it), are nicer in general, i would say.
Uh, I wouldn’t comment on passing strangers like that, especially not wording it like “so good for you putting in the effort.” The issue of randomly bringing up their appearance aside, it sounds condescending.
well tbf the situation is complicated and i can easily see how somebody who has autism can easily run into difficult situations here.
part of the phenomenon is that the societal rules are never really laid out clearly, it seems to me. consider: women dress prettily because they like to. if you notice it, though, you are an asshole. compare that to a different situation: somebody plays violin, and you notice their violin, and ask them “hey, nice violin you got there. do you practice a lot?” and it would be considered normal interaction, if you’re meeting them at a bus station or sth (at least in the country that i live in; that, too, differs from place to place). so, where is the difference?
the difference is that our society has a weird relationship to human bodies. on the one hand, people cannot live without one. on the other hand, society seems to have an outright schizophrenic relationship to the human body. talk about it and you’re a weirdo, no matter what you say. it’s called “objectifying”, even though people seem to have no problem talking about how good somebody did in a sports competition, even though that is completely objectifying as well (after all, your muscles are objects, aren’t they?). so, where’s the difference?
Relentless heckling is a thing, so it’s understandable that this is a touchy subject.
Appearance is also more tied to a person’s perception in society. It’s like telling someone “Hey, you look wealthy today! Good job making money!” Not like commenting on a casual hobby.
Even taking the violin or sports example, wording it like “good on you for putting in the effort” would still sound very condescending.
Oops you fucked up a social interaction and converted your own fuck up to misogyny instead. Don’t do that. You’ll continue to fuck it up and forever reinforce your own downward spiral to misogyny.
Probably next time just say ‘Hey, nice dress!’ or ‘You look stunning!’ and then just keep walking on.
‘You look nice’, in that context, a fleeting interaction, walking past a group of people you don’t know, who don’t know you, is creepy.
Its like the stereotypical creepy guy thing to say.
Following it up with a lengthy explanation and getting the whole group involved is even worse.
‘Good on you for putting in the effort’ is infantilizing, and implies that they normally don’t.
I agree that throwing a hissy fit and stomping away is an immature, rude overreaction, but you did actually stop and continue the interaction with her friend, thus basically from her perspective being awkward, then insulting, then starting an argument, when her and her friend were presumably… going somewhere, to do something, probably within a specific time frame.
You easily could have just kept walking (which ironically is the actual advice you end with), instead of trying to defend yourself… and you’ve got to be a bit more competent in formulating a succinct, quick compliment when the context is ‘randomly walking past a complete stranger.’
btw, why is “You look stunning!” acceptable, but “You look nice” is not?
Is it because “you look stunning” is euphoric, sales-like, energizing, while “you look nice” is … flat?
why do we have to live in a society that dictates that everything must constantly seem better than it is, instead of just keeping things nice and honest?
Unfortunately, I can’t give you an answer that makes sense, in the way that solving a simple math equation follows well defined rules and just does have a correct solution.
This is a social / psychological kind of question, and if you try to break it down to a mechanistic way of understanding it, well, good luck, a single human brain has almost as many neurons as there are stars in the Milky Way, and they all operate on heuristics and fuzzy logic.
Maybe think of it as … ‘stunning’ is a +5 modifier to ‘You look ___’, whereas ‘nice’ is only +1, and you gotta roll at least a 4.
As to your last question:
You’re not wrong to ask that, but you are overgeneralizing to jump to it straight from ‘why do some compliments often work while others often don’t?’
Part of the point of a compliment is to make someone feel like they are indeed better than most others.
hey i remember you from an earlier discussion that we had :) good to see you again.
yeah, i guess that “and you gotta roll at least a 4” kinda makes sense.
Part of the point of a compliment is to make someone feel like they are indeed better than most others.
I guess that is the point where my personal emotions just differ from the people around me. To me, it is ok to be average, and to be one of many. I don’t want to be special, so i project that feeling onto others. That is why “you look nice” is an acceptable thing to me, but apparently not so much to others.
2yrs ago I literally just said “you look nice, and it’s cold out so good for you putting in the effort” as I was walking the opposite direction as a strange woman. DO NOT DO THAT, recognize for yourself that they are there, but do not acknowledge people. She threw a hissy fit and tried to make it look like I was harassing her, her fat but much nicer friend whom I also complimented took it well and said “it is cold”, the pretty bitch literally started walking like a dinosaur and had a meltdown because I just left. You don’t need these people. Just act like they are an annoyance to even be in your presence and get a dog or two. It’s better that way, permanently.
well i’ve made the experience that people who could be considered “pretty” by social beauty standards are more likely to be mean.
the way i explain it is through the “ideal bonding distance” theory. in chemistry, if you have two atoms forming a molecule, they typically keep a certain distance from one another. In society, something similar is happening. People like to have a certain distance from one another. If it’s too big, they’ll try to get closer to other people. If it’s too close, they try to push other people away. Since “pretty” people make the experience a lot that other people try to come way to close to them (for their own liking), they develop a habit of, in general, pushing people away, thus the mean appearance. People who don’t build that habit (because they don’t need it), are nicer in general, i would say.
Uh, I wouldn’t comment on passing strangers like that, especially not wording it like “so good for you putting in the effort.” The issue of randomly bringing up their appearance aside, it sounds condescending.
Like… just say hi.
well tbf the situation is complicated and i can easily see how somebody who has autism can easily run into difficult situations here.
part of the phenomenon is that the societal rules are never really laid out clearly, it seems to me. consider: women dress prettily because they like to. if you notice it, though, you are an asshole. compare that to a different situation: somebody plays violin, and you notice their violin, and ask them “hey, nice violin you got there. do you practice a lot?” and it would be considered normal interaction, if you’re meeting them at a bus station or sth (at least in the country that i live in; that, too, differs from place to place). so, where is the difference?
the difference is that our society has a weird relationship to human bodies. on the one hand, people cannot live without one. on the other hand, society seems to have an outright schizophrenic relationship to the human body. talk about it and you’re a weirdo, no matter what you say. it’s called “objectifying”, even though people seem to have no problem talking about how good somebody did in a sports competition, even though that is completely objectifying as well (after all, your muscles are objects, aren’t they?). so, where’s the difference?
Uh, I feel like you are missing a ton of context.
Relentless heckling is a thing, so it’s understandable that this is a touchy subject.
Appearance is also more tied to a person’s perception in society. It’s like telling someone “Hey, you look wealthy today! Good job making money!” Not like commenting on a casual hobby.
Even taking the violin or sports example, wording it like “good on you for putting in the effort” would still sound very condescending.
Oops you fucked up a social interaction and converted your own fuck up to misogyny instead. Don’t do that. You’ll continue to fuck it up and forever reinforce your own downward spiral to misogyny.
This is why women choose the bear
Talking = death by bear
got it
Probably next time just say ‘Hey, nice dress!’ or ‘You look stunning!’ and then just keep walking on.
‘You look nice’, in that context, a fleeting interaction, walking past a group of people you don’t know, who don’t know you, is creepy.
Its like the stereotypical creepy guy thing to say.
Following it up with a lengthy explanation and getting the whole group involved is even worse.
‘Good on you for putting in the effort’ is infantilizing, and implies that they normally don’t.
I agree that throwing a hissy fit and stomping away is an immature, rude overreaction, but you did actually stop and continue the interaction with her friend, thus basically from her perspective being awkward, then insulting, then starting an argument, when her and her friend were presumably… going somewhere, to do something, probably within a specific time frame.
You easily could have just kept walking (which ironically is the actual advice you end with), instead of trying to defend yourself… and you’ve got to be a bit more competent in formulating a succinct, quick compliment when the context is ‘randomly walking past a complete stranger.’
btw, why is “You look stunning!” acceptable, but “You look nice” is not?
Is it because “you look stunning” is euphoric, sales-like, energizing, while “you look nice” is … flat?
why do we have to live in a society that dictates that everything must constantly seem better than it is, instead of just keeping things nice and honest?
Unfortunately, I can’t give you an answer that makes sense, in the way that solving a simple math equation follows well defined rules and just does have a correct solution.
This is a social / psychological kind of question, and if you try to break it down to a mechanistic way of understanding it, well, good luck, a single human brain has almost as many neurons as there are stars in the Milky Way, and they all operate on heuristics and fuzzy logic.
Maybe think of it as … ‘stunning’ is a +5 modifier to ‘You look ___’, whereas ‘nice’ is only +1, and you gotta roll at least a 4.
As to your last question:
You’re not wrong to ask that, but you are overgeneralizing to jump to it straight from ‘why do some compliments often work while others often don’t?’
Part of the point of a compliment is to make someone feel like they are indeed better than most others.
hey i remember you from an earlier discussion that we had :) good to see you again.
yeah, i guess that “and you gotta roll at least a 4” kinda makes sense.
I guess that is the point where my personal emotions just differ from the people around me. To me, it is ok to be average, and to be one of many. I don’t want to be special, so i project that feeling onto others. That is why “you look nice” is an acceptable thing to me, but apparently not so much to others.
Sorry pal but you were in the wrong here.
What?
weird and creepy, but okay
okay, you’re lucky you kept your intact nose that day
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