So I started talking to this guy in November. I really like him and he says the same. We are long distance of 7 hours so it’s not so so bad and we see each other here and there when he’s down here for work. Anyways… lately I’ve been feeling self - conscious and scared of him being bored / abandoning me. I had a bad past with my ex (he would compare me to other girls towards the end of our relationship and tell me he’s watching twerking lives to my face). And I’ve had anxious detachment relationships with my dad as we used to fight and not talk a lot so these feelings stem from trauma.
Anyways long story short. I obviously looked through his following. Nothing bad. He was following this one Instagram famous girl who post like thirst pics and whatever (boobs popping out, tongue out, etc) super gorgeous but the photos know what they r doing lol. Anyways, she was live and I joined and I said haha my man follows you. Take in, he liked her picture 2 days ago and it upset me because I don’t look anything like her and he wasn’t even liking my own stories. How do I have other men liking my stories but not him?! Lol. Anyways, I told her that she’s like oh eww girl lemme block him for you. I was surprised and I’m like sure lol. I told her if she can just remove him from her followers list and she did. She and her other viewers were telling me to see if he follows her back because then he’s noticing it. I feel so toxic that I’ve done this and so grossed out from myself. Oh btw, she said he would always text her and send her memes and say she looks good. But she said the last time he did that was November which is when we started talking so it’s fine I guess. But I don’t follow any men who post stuff like that so I found it so annoying that he liked the picture when it should’ve reminded him to unfollow her lol. Maybe I’m just mentally ill.
We also haven’t been talking as much the last couple days because when I found out I felt so gross and then I broke down to him (I didn’t tell him) about how I’m scared of the future and what will happen (I’m seeing him in two days and he said we will talk about it in person) but not texting all day until night (work stuff for him lol) is taking a toll of me . But it’s only temporarily as he’s down here for work but whatever. I get people have lives.
I just feel like I give so much of myself and my happiness, even faking it all the time, to not feel it in return. It feels like men r so interested at first but then they think ur so wrapped around their finger that they can start showing u less attention.
But he is a great guy and he hasn’t done anything wrong except that unless im just crazy. But he does treat me good. I might’ve got too vulnerable with him, he got me flowers and I cried like…. And when he told me to my eyes how much he loves spending time with me and it makes him happy i cried too because im not used to those things and hearing those words. Maybe that was a mistake
So like, I wasn’t much better when I was 21, but I do think you did go a bit far here.
It is not your place to ban him or control what he does online, you can however tell him it makes you sad that he watches others. You said as much ypurself and you should probably explain and apologize for the overreach, but explain why. I personally think that watching porn has nothing to do with any partber you may have. It is not a real relationship and possibly even a problem he has, no way to know. What it doesn’t do tho is reflect on you. Finding any other person attractive doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive, there is no correlation.
You should talk it out, without blaming him but explaining that it makes you worried and sad and why, and unless you present it like “he should have known” he will listen if he cares about you. This is not a he problem or a you problem it is a plural you problem (god this sounds better in languages with more exact wording…)
My name don’t apologize, you’ve get every right to be upset by that, and it’s literally so stupid but I liked the meme, I didn’t even register that it was a thirst trap. I don’t think I’ve ever watched her lives either so I have no idea what she does there. We can talk about this on Friday as well, but it’s literally so stupid on my part. I’m not sure when the last time I sent a dm to her, but by no means did I ever put the comparison of you and her in my head. I deleted the conversation from my dms because I was embarrassed with it. I haven’t liked a post of her since like November when we started talking, but I didn’t even realize what that would do to you.
You’re right it is rude, and I’m embarrassed by it and I feel gross.
This is what he said.
I feel so appreciated
Well that’s a nice guy
Yes, I texted him, explained what I did and why because of how it made me feel. How it brought up a trigger I never knew I had. Etc etc. I hope it works out but I’m worried. I only get insecure and jealous when I’m with / like a guy. When I’m doing my own thing I’m perfectly fine. I’ve gained so much confidence compared to a year ago which I’m proud of. I got diagnosed with a thyroid disease two years ago and had put on weight due to it which is why my confidence has plummeted. I’m working on it though.
This is a hard thing to just say, but I hope you can understand that some of your fear and jealousy here is probably stemming from a lack of self confidence.
I say this, because I hope you can reflect on that, and be aware that some partners will understand and exploit that if you are not careful. This guy doesn’t sound like that, but maybe your next relationship is.
As others have said, try to have open communication, and accept sometimes if your values are fundamentally different. Sometimes people just are. Some can have open relationships happily, some thing looking at porn is cheating. Without judgement, both can be valid as long as both partners communicate and agree on that.
My feeling is generally the more secure you are in yourself and your sexuality, the less jealous and the less concerned you will be come with these things, and the more confidence you will have to cut off shitty partners who violate the norms you set. If your relationship is okay with porn, but not dating apps, then fuck them of they are browsing Tinder, even “just to look”.
Communicate, but also value yourself. This guy may be perfect, but maybe he’s not perfect for you. And that’s okay. Your chances of meeting someone gold are far better than you think if you keep your head up and go in eyes wide open than try and ignore issues.
Anyways, I hope some of this is moderately helpful to you. I hope you and him can work out, but I also hope you don’t compare yourself to camgirls or porn, ever. Fantasies are just that, we all have them. And they should never hurt your self worth.
Be well.
Thank you for this. I do lack some confidence. I’ve been through a lot of shit, from my ex, my own parents, and fake friends. My confidence has improved a lot since before and I’m proud but liking and being with a guy seems to make me self doubt. I think it’s the comparison or fear of abandonment. I texted him everything, what I did and how I felt about it and that I feel bad. I hope it works, I had to tell him because I felt bad that I went behind his back. Waiting for a reply but I’m nervous…
You need to be fine not being in a relationship. If you do not achieve this then the chances of having a good relationship goes to practically zero. This is true for men and women. If you are fine not being in a relationship then you will either be unbothered by this or end it or talk with him more openly about the relationship to a point where it gets fixed or ends.
A’ight, girl to girl advice here. I think you’re so afraid that your partner is going to turn into a replica of your ex that you’re willing to nuke the relationship first.
What you’ve said in your post doesn’t really have much to do with your bf. Your ex would compare you to other girls, but has your current bf done that? Your dad would fight with you instead of talking, but does your bf do that?
I just feel like I give so much of myself and my happiness, even faking it all the time, to not feel it in return.
Stop faking it. Worst-case scenerio, people assume you’re acting a certain way to manipulate them, and that’s not really wrong. They can’t read minds, so they don’t know you’re hiding insecurity, they just know you’re hiding something.
You also can’t give out fake and expect genuine in return. I’d be willing to bet that some of the friction you’re feeling is from people trying to fake it back. If you want to trust a partner that trusts you, you can’t have fake getting in the way.
That is 100% why. I feel so bad for what I’ve done. Like I can’t believe I joined her live and did that. I feel sick to the point I just wanna cry at work. I don’t know how to get this over my head. I’m insecure about myself at times so maybe I’m not ready for a relationship but then people saying loving the right one it wouldn’t matter if ur insecure or not. I am scared. I’ve been heartbroken so much that when I feel something real the instinct to break It before it “hurts” me is so bad. Do I tell him what I did? I don’t want to because I feel like it’s so embarrassing and awkward but part of me feels so weird like I need to let it out. I’m scared
Communicate! If something he does makes you feel bad, the worst thing you can do is bottle it up until it explodes. Tell him how it makes you feel straight up. Don’t say “stop following insta skanks if you love me,” say something like “it makes me feel insecure when you like photos of women that don’t look like me.” Basically tell him what you told us.
The fact that he was dming some insta girl is (to me personally as a man) kind of weird, but the fact that he stopped when he started talking to you is a good sign.
Lastly, you can almost certainly benefit from individual therapy. This is not me calling you crazy. I had trouble getting close to my now girlfriend due to previous relationship issues. Therapy helped me process those feelings and also understand the importance of communication.
Yeah, thank you. I sent him a long text explaining what I did and how I felt during it and how it makes me feel insecure. I feel crazy but it’s fine. At the end of the day, it’s how I feel and if he thinks I’m a bit crazy but respects it then good. If not then whatever. I did find it weird too that he was still following her and liking her stuff when he doesn’t like my own stories of me. But I’m over it. I’m so so so happy I got it off my chest. He hasn’t responded but I had to let it out. I really do need therapy. I rlly do. I had a traumatic past with betrayal and self love issues and sabotage but it’s so expensive idk wha to do. I feel like I won’t know how to talk to a therapist or where to begin. I tried online therapy but I didn’t do much for me
I wish you the best of luck. You may have to shop around for therapists. Online or in person shouldn’t make a huge difference, it’s more about finding one you click with.
I don’t have any specific advice for the likes thing, but I’ll share my experience as a possible explanation. I am pretty shit at verbal affirmations. Like “I’m dating you and kissing and cuddling you of course I don’t need to tell you you’re pretty” which is obviously THE WRONG ANSWER but it took some effort for me to even realize that. Learning each other’s love languages may also help you two communicate.
I’d fess up about it. You were acting irrationally, and it’s going to be better to hear the confession from you, and not learning about this because somebody on IG reached out to him. Because it was a livestream, you can’t really hide it anyways, there’s receipts.
This is honestly the sort of stuff that therapy is really good for, but I know therapy can be inaccessible, so no hate if it’s not something you can do.
Youre faking happiness and think thats something he should appreciate? Big oof
No no, what I meant by that is even when I’m sad or anything, I’m always smiling. No one can tell when I’m upset. I’m always trying to fill someone’s cup when my own is empty. Am I happy with him? 10000%… am I happy alone 40% lol that’s my points
I know what you meant. I was exaggerating a bit but its still not healthy. For you and your relationship. Sure, you shouldnt constantly be complaining or getting upset at your partner because you yourself are upset, but if you dont show that youre sad its gonna weigh you down.
Going behind his back doesnt show a lot of trust either. You could tell him how you feel about it (dont demand that he stop, just tell him you feel sad when he follows pretty women or smth) and you can talk about it. If its not that important for him, he may stop. If it is though, you may try to give him that freedom or find a compromise. But not talking about it will just leave you feeling sad whenever you think about it.
Take it with a grain of salt though, Im not a psychologist.
Communication. Communication. Communication. Don’t try to strategize. Don’t try to manipulate the situation to your desired end. And most of all, do NOT “should” him. He is under no obligation to meet your needs or figure them out for himself, and same goes for you. It’s just a question of if he is naturally inclined to meet your needs and act according to your values after you clearly communicate them to him. If he is not inclined, then it’s up to you to decide how far you’re willing to level with him or if you would be better off pursuing a relationship with someone else.
Learn to distinguish your subjective STORIES from what you are actually feeling. For example “I feel like you don’t love me” is NOT a feeling. Putting “I feel” in front of some statement does not magically make it valid. “I’m scared this relationship might not last”, also not a feeling. Any sentence starting with a “You…” is a story. More truthful: “when you don’t message me in X amount of time, I feel insecure, and I start to worry about the future of the relationship”. Now you’re just speaking candidly, honestly, saying what is actually happening. You’re not putting blame on him, just acknowledging something that hopefully everyone can agree is happening (he’s not messaging you), and saying what the impact is on you emotionally, and what kind of thoughts it triggers in you. He’s following some girls on social media? Can everyone agree that’s happening? Okay, how does that make you feel AND, distinct from those feelings, what does it make you think? Please also flip it to positive “when you give me flowers, I feel love and I think this relationship is going well.” Clear, straight-forward communication without shoulding. You can also do it on something that hasn’t even happened “I’d love to go on a vacation together some day, if we work together for that goal, I believe I’d feel secure, and I’d believe you love me” (you’re young and still learning your likes and dislikes, so please be aware that sometimes some ideas don’t turn out as great as you hoped, and that’s okay). Feel free to try to find a way to make the conversation more natural but stick to the same logic.
You may want to look into this: https://pastebin.com/ZHhS044M
And especially this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
Yesss!! I’ve been with the same man for 10 years and we’ve had so many clumsy discussions when working through feelings, but that’s just how communication goes sometimes.
If you’re not bringing up your feelings because you’re afraid it will end the relationship, that’s silly. If that ends the relationship, the relationship would have always ended.
If you’re not bringing up your feelings because you’re afraid it will end the relationship, that’s silly. If that ends the relationship, the relationship would have always ended.
Louder for the back! No one benefits from drawing out a relationship that won’t work. Don’t be a freak, but be as up front as you can manage.
This is especially important in long distance relationships, where small misunderstandings or doubts can fester without the other person realising.
Fantastic response and comment chain full of help.
How you know this isn’t reddit. “Dump him, lawyer up, and hit the gym” appeared nowhere in this comment.
You had me at communication. That’s like 95% of any relationship… Literally everything is up in the air … Except being on the same page
Thank you. You see I’m like half over it already … part of me feels guilty for going all out and telling her to unfollow but I honestly just want to see if he notices/followes her again. I feel so bad and I was sick to my stomach because I’ve never done anything crazy like that and I cannot tell him I’ve noticed because I don’t want him to think I’m stalking him you know. We have only been talking and stuff for 3 ish months now. I was going to wait it out, see how it goes the next week and take it from there. If he follows her again then I’ll bring it up to him? I see him tomorrow and we said we were going to talk about stuff because I wasn’t feeling well about me and him a couple of days ago and brought up how I’m worried we won’t work etc etc. I’m scared. I rlly like him but I’m worried this long distance and if he keeps doing this (I will talk about it to him if it continues) will ruin it.
To what end, though? What purpose will it serve if you haven’t told him that following those girls is unacceptable to you?
And before somebody tells me it’s always unacceptable, that’s not true. In my relationship, both of us watch porn, and that’s what we consider these Instagram models because they’re often selling their only fans. My husband and I have an agreement that I don’t care what porn he watches, he doesn’t care what porn I watch, we are allowed to pay some only fans subscriptions (not an unreasonable amount, and support small businesses, yo!) Hes just not allowed to converse and develop a relationship with them, and same goes for me. We are very open about it.
What im saying here to you, OP, is that if a behaviour like this bothers you, you need to tell him so he knows rather than just waiting for him to fuck up. Do not operate under the assumption he knows because you may have different upbringings and what may seem obvious to you may not be so obvious to him. Give him the opportunity to be trustworthy in the way you need.
You don’t get to 10 years by playing games like this. You get there by both wanting to put in the work, because relationships are work and communication, and most of this is within the first few years.
Additionally, never be afraid of a relationship ending. There is no such thing as “the one”, there will always be someone that ticks your boxes, so to speak.
Well this is where you can ask yourself some questions. The shoulding applies to you too. You “should” not be any different from what you are but being very insecure might not be helpful in having your needs met. You can try to take steps to reduce that insecurity. Or you can continue being insecure and pursue a relationship with someone who is willing to go the extra mile to not trigger it. That may not be easy, but you also might get lucky. Are you okay with that, or does that also make you feel insecure?
Put aside the convoluted projections, strategies and what-ifs. You’re just trying to have your needs met, and he is trying to have his needs met. It’s up to you to figure out if you can do so in unison or not. But the thing is, you WILL find out eventually. You can anxiously wait for the conclusion, you can play around and have fun while you figure out the conclusion, or you can get to the conclusion as soon as possible. But the conclusion is inevitable regardless of how much time you take to get there. Trying to force him to be any different won’t change that. You pretending to be any different from what you are won’t change that. But I can say that in general, the more people stray away from what is true, the more they tend to suffer.
Can I even be in a relationship if I’m like this? I feel sick thinking about how I can be fucked over and the thought of being heartbroken again. It’s so bad. Do I tell him the thing I did? How I went out my way and got her to remove him as a follower? He will see me as a jealous and insecure girl who’s stalking him. He even said he is also a jealous type so then why would he follow and like her stuff u know? I removed a lot of my followers out of respect. I mean, she was the only thing that had me on edge so i know he hasn’t done anything bad. Idk what to do. I see him tomorrow and we were going to talk about things but I feel so scared.
Girl you’re 21. You are so, so, so young. You’ll have plenty of time to fall in love for the rest of your life, get your heart broken beyond repair, rally to find your true soul mate again and so on. I get that it’s basically impossible for you to really see it that way even if you probably get it intellectually. My 21 year old self would tell this current 41 year old me to go fuck myself for not understanding anything.
Take the hit here, see what happens. Maybe he will think you’re a bit crazy or maybe he’ll be understanding. If your relationship ends, cry your eyes out, scream and wail and temporarily believe everything is lost. Whatever you’re feeling, express it with your whole body, dare to be dramatic, just don’t take it out on others. Dance like nobody is looking and cry. Then you’ll go on with your life, you’ll have learned that well actually, everything isn’t lost and you can live with this. Then you’ll find someone new and you’ll A: be a bit more confident because you’ll know you can survive a break up and B: you know more about your needs and values, and you’ll know to communicate them early on so there’s mutual clarity. But maybe he’ll think that your insecurity is cute or so. Maybe he is willing to work with it. Then I HIGHLY recommend that you both look into Non-Violent Communication. Take a course together and you’ll form a very strong bond, and you’re both better equipped to communicate with each other skillfully. This will help with your insecurity too.
Again, you’ll find out eventually which it is anyway. I get that you’re scared and no amount of “you’re so young” isn’t going to make you feel better about it. But you’re scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. Right this moment, is something so terrible that you can’t handle it? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have people you can talk to? Do you have access to basic necessities? Right at the moment you’re reading this, are things bad? If the fear about future starts asserting itself, always ask yourself if you’re okay right this moment, or are you just getting anxious over something that hasn’t happened.
Also think of it this way: how wonderful would it be if you could just fully be as you are with someone without the need to hide anything? With dishonesty, you definitely rob yourself that possibility.
What I’m about to say, isn’t necessarily true for your guy, but it is for me.
Also, just to validate your feelings a bit, nothing you’re feeling is weird or crazy. I experience some of my strongest emotions in the context of romance, but keeping a lid on them and recognizing and controlling my feelings and the potential behaviour they might lead to, is something I’ve gotten good at. I think every seemingly sane person is doing similar emotional self-management.
And, in terms of attention, you are allowed to ask for more. Or less. You are also not required to fake the good times, unless you genuinely want to do that for someone for a bit. Doing it long term, is just straight up not healthy. A partner in life is supposed to be there both for the good, and the bad.
Showing vulnerability, is never a mistake. If someone uses it against you, that’s their fault, not yours. Still, if it happens, it’ll hurt.
I don’t know of a way to avoid that eventuality, aside from luck, or giving up on relationships entirely. And that’s not a trade worth making, imo. (Though difficult not to make, if hurt before)
What helped me, was realizing, and more importantly, believing, that any half-decent person will do everything in their power to avoid hurting others. If they don’t, then I misjudged their character, and they should not be in my life. It has made it easier for me to forgive those who did not intend it, and to walk away from those that did.
Now for what I wanted to say. I like more than one type of woman. And while I’m not entirely sure that I need my relationships to be monogamous, I always assume that monogamy is expected, and default to that behavior. I would never make light of someone elses commitment to me by assuming otherwise. And I have absolutely no problem with this. I would not start a relationship without being ready to commit in this way.
Showing interest in other people, is completely normal. Physical interest is just physical interest, and you can’t be everything a person is into.
I like short women. I also like tall women.
I obviusly cannot have both. But if I date someone tall, it won’t mean I suddenly stop finding short women cute as hell. I am FULL of contradicting interests like this.
If I commit to someone, that means I give up on having whatever that person is not. And that’s fine. That’s how it should be. If a person chooses someone in that way, that means they’ve chosen them.
The problems occur with people who do not respect the fact that they cannot have the cake, and also eat it.
That said, if you don’t like something in your relationship, you’re allowed to say so. Just be careful about it. It can be hard to communicate stuff like this, without one of you feeling like they’re under attack. In a way, you already do, which means you should probably be talking about it.
The other comments cover things pretty well, but I feel like I should also pitch in as well. I’m in my mid-20’s in a stable relationship of over 3 years (at least a part of which was long distance), so I could probably offer some more age-specific advice.
I find that a lot of younger people (ie, people at or below my age) put a lot of undue emphasis on social media. Liking a post, not liking a post, follow, not follow, whatever. These are all contrivances. They are a game designed by social media companies to keep people doomscrolling on their platform. It’s important to see and really understand that it genuinely does not matter what someone does on social media. Your boyfriend seems not to have interacted with the Instagram model after he got with you. So that’s good right? If that’s what’s really important to you, then why does it matter if he still follows her?
And even if we assume that he was still actively interacting with the model, that’s still fine. It’s important to know that there is a difference between attraction and love. Love is the very specific feeling of caring about the other person and wanting the best for them. Many younger people think that attraction and love are the same, and so a lot of drama gets started because neither side realizes that they’re mixing up their ideas of what a relationship should be like. One common issue to be aware of (and most relevant to this situation) is that being attracted to someone else is not love, and it’s not cheating. It is ok to find other people attractive, and likewise, you should not find it offensive if your boyfriend finds someone else attractive.
I will also caution that many younger couples have this expectation that their partners should allow them to go through the other person’s phones. This is extremely toxic. Don’t do that. People have a right to their own private life, even when they are in a relationship. This applies to social media as well. You shouldn’t be looking through your boyfriend’s Instagram just because you want to see if he’s following anyone that you don’t like. Remember that a relationship is built on trust, and that means that you need to trust your boyfriend to be loyal.
You might be thinking that if you shouldn’t look through people’s phones, then it’s really easy for your boyfriend to cheat for a long time without you knowing. And that’s true. That’s why cheating hurts so much. But that possibility doesn’t give you the permission to intrude on their privacy. Have faith in your boyfriend.
Finally, practice open communication and mindfulness. I find that it can be quite difficult to identify what exactly is bothering you, and talking to your boyfriend about a vague sense of jealousy isn’t going to be productive at all. In fact, it’s probably going to get him defensive. When you’re angry, disappointed, upset, jealous, etc., it’s important to take some time to think things through yourself first. These negative feelings tend to result from the feeling that one of your personal rights was violated. If you’re angry or upset, which specific action caused it? Which of your personal rights was violated by that action? It is really important to identify this, since the difference between toxic behavior and valid anger is oftentimes just based on how valid the answers are to those questions. For instance, the “right to your boyfriend’s attention” is not a real right that you have, and so if you were to get angry that your boyfriend isn’t giving you enough attention, that would, in fact, be toxic behavior. And if you do have a right to be angry, then knowing which of your rights was violated makes it easy to prove your point, so there’s no downsides to this approach.
We all watch porn, instagram is softcore that is public for all to see so it makes it weird. He’ll do what he wants to do and it’s up to you to set boundaries for yourself, make him aware and if he respects them too - you are good, move forward, multiple conversations are needed here.
I’m sure you find other men attractive, but those are just thoughts, women make a living of showing off, men can only do it through other gay men as women don’t pay for porn as much as men.
It’s unrealistic for you or him to not watch porn in this day and age, so yeah you are being over the top, especially if you didn’t make it obvious before. I would think liking pics/videos is fine, anything more than that is pretty bad, men have types, but some days I love redheads with huge tits, other days it’s dwarves dressed like characters with huge butts - so I wouldn’t read anything more than that into it.
Just work on believing and making sure you look like the baddest bitch possible version and it will improve your self confidence. Also I do find it weird you don’t think other guys liking your stories/pics, dm-ing you is not triggering the same type ot jealousy for the other side.
I know. I watch porn too. Idk why but the thought of him getting off to other women or whatever makes me physically ill. Like thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Ughhhhh
Sorry, not going to monce words: That’s hypocritical as fuck. You can ask him to keep it private (off instagram or other social media), but you get off to other men too.
How would you feel if he told you that made him sick to his stomach?
You can’t just handwave this away as “lol idk why I feel this way, but it’s his problem to deal with!” No. Stop. Bad. Don’t make me get the spray bottle or the rolled up newspaper.
This is something about yourself and your own feelings that you need to sort out, for yourself. I don’t mean “just get over it, lol”. I mean that you need to figure out why you feel this way. If you bring it up to him, you need to have specific actions he can take to assuage your feelings. You need to decide how important this is to you, and accept that it may be a dealbreaker for you or for him. And most of all, you can’t be a hypocrite about whatever you ask of him.
So far, he’s not done anything disrespectful to you, because you haven’t communicated your wants about this to him. I would feel uncomfortable about hearing that my partner was DM’ing a thirst catcher especially while dating, but as you say: he stopped when you two got together.
Honestly, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of yourself to sort out for yourself. Don’t feel bad about it, that’s super normal for your age especially, and normal for almost any age. Figuring out why you feel certain ways, deciding if it’s reasonable or not, if things are a want or a need. But try to work on figuring yourself out for your sake. It’s a lot easier to have a relationship when you know yourself well, your own problems, and your own needs.
One more thing, I feel like the fact he doesn’t like my stories but gave her picture attention is what gets me. I mean he likes my Posts but not my stories. Idk. I like him a lot but sometimes I think I might not be ready for a relationship with these jealousies lol
I mean he likes my Posts but not my stories. Idk.
That sounds weird to me. As in, why does it bother you? It’s just Instagram, you have an actual connection, I’d probably feel more weird if my long-distance partner likes my online stuff than if they don’t.
As in, I want them to like me in a proper way, talk to me, open up to me, want to be with me, desire me, that stuff. I don’t need the fake validation that is online +1’s from someone I want a genuine connection with, and while I don’t truly mind them honestly if I had to choose, I’d prefer to do without them.
That is to say, my partner sometimes comments on a status I post or so. But unlike randoms and aquaintences, they don’t do it by replying to them, they tell me about it in a voicechat. That’s the meaningful connection, and why would I want both.
I like him a lot but sometimes I think I might not be ready for a relationship with these jealousies lol
Maybe, maybe not. But don’t let the doubt eat away at you either. It’s a learning experience, and it’s an important one to have. Now mind you my ability to truly give advise will be limited (I’m twice your age 🙈 ). But in my 20s I was far more unsure about what I wanted, what I can do, what I cannot do and what works for me, too. It took until my late 20s and with my then-partner asking for whether they can have a side-piece (wanting to try sex with their own gender) and oddly feeling… entirely okay with that… to truly understand that there’s nothing you should never talk about in a relationship, it just has to be an open, non-judgement and non-confrontational discussion, based on the truth that both parties in a relationship never stop learning about both themselves and the other.
We talked about it. A lot. About what we’d do if they found a person they like more than me, etc. About what our boundaries are. About whether we want to try stuff together, and if yes, what. And honestly, that was a huge learning experience for me, nowadays I have an FwB, am into various kinks quite openly, and for example my partner being non-monogamous would really not bother me, as long as enough trust exists in the relationship. But this would have absolutely killed me back in the days.Sorry, long way to say: Talk more about it. Posting here isn’t a bad step, but we can only help you so much as like +1’s you get on the internet, we’re not “real” connections of the type where you should be discussing these things. Your partner is a very good one, OTOH. Your closest friends might be. Can’t judge that very well from afar, sorry.
Stories are lame and I literally never watch them unless a sexy woman is involved
If it really matters to you then just say “Hey babe, I notice that you never watch my stories, but you’re on my mind when I make them”
Don’t make it about comparing. Just make it about him meeting your basic expectations of a distance relationship. If he continues to come up short, well… Life is too short to be seven hours away from your partner. I’m sure there are plenty of available folks in your area
And yeah, just don’t sweat if he’s got some thirsty follows. It’s similar to porn so maybe find something you can both enjoy together 🤷🏻♀️ or maybe get him to talk about it in a non-judgmental conversation
Yeah, I’m gonna monitor. Maybe bring up lack of attention when I see him tomorrow. I know I can find someone else but everyone just wants to have sex and it’s disgusting. He is the only one who genuinely cares and doesn’t care for having sex and stuff. I’m his first and stuff so that makes me feel good but ur right. I mean, the girl is unfollowed and that was my ONLY issue with him. I guess I wait and see if he follows her again? If he does I’ll bring it up I guess. Very embarrassing on my end.
You want a guy who’s not interested in sex? Have you considered just befriending gay men? Or dating a guy closer to 50?
Seriously, almost guy your age is on the prowl…
No I definitely do. Ur right.
Or looking for asexual men! Not all asexual men are aromantic, which sounds to me like what you’re looking for - someone who wants a romantic relationship but not sex. Or maybe someone demisexual - interested in sex, but only with someone they already have romantic feelings with.
That’s true yea… I mean the girl said he used to message her sending her memes and saying she looks good but if he’s with me I’d expect him to atleast unfollow her?? But at the end of the day, she’s famous and she didn’t even follow him back so I shouldn’t think too hard but I feel like I’m so turned off for some reason now. And yea I mean I still watch porn lol but that’s not a big issue to me. He has problems getting hard when we do it which makes me question if he’s thinking about something else but he gets mad when this happens to him lol.
He has problems getting hard when we do it which makes me question if he’s thinking about something else but he gets mad when this happens to him lol.
Holy toxic Batman!
It could be him not being present/thinking of seone else, or it could be any of a wide number of other reasons. Shit happens and sometimes people’s parts don’t cooperate.
You should be aware that there are many reasons why a guy cannot get hard. Being dehydrated, for instance, makes it really difficult to stay erect. Many guys can get pretty insecure about it, so his reaction sounds about right.
I would recommend that you not blame him for not getting hard. It just happens sometimes and that’s just something that you two will have to work around
No no I don’t blame him. I don’t really care. I told him I don’t care and I don’t mind at all. And that I like it soft 😭😂 he understands that I understand and that is the least of my worries. I just have to focus on stopping being so jealous. I haven’t felt this affection towards someone since my ex that’s why I’m so triggered. I had a FWB before him and we would see other guys too because we weren’t dating but I never felt this way(jealousy) because I didn’t like him on that type of level
I mean the girl said he used to message her sending her memes and saying she looks good but if he’s with me I’d expect him to atleast unfollow her??
I mean, if it’s a typical account on the web, it’s more like a performance? Much like any porn actress (these accounts are ultimately softcore porn wanting to sell you their hardcore stuff) it’s an act, it’s in the name.
Comparing yourself with an actress never sits quite right with me. Plus we only ever see the small acting part of the person. If you listen to podcasts, Holly Randall’s interviews with various porn actresses and actors has some fascinating insights into the parts we don’t see, and like and actor or actress they’re not at all the people they appear to be.And I gotta ask… if it weren’t softcore porn, would it be weird for your partner to be following an actress, and/or being acquainted to them?
He has problems getting hard when we do it which makes me question if he’s thinking about something else but he gets mad when this happens to him lol
This is something you need to talk about. To guys it can be utterly damaging to their ego, it’s less about being mentally not there, but about discussing openly why it happens. After all, it could be anything. It could be nervousness. It could be that he enjoys things differently, and maybe you do, too. It could be medical. It could be circumstantial (e.g. my current partner cannot become horny after dinner for a while, that’s just how it is 😅, body too focused on digestion).
It’s impossible to say, but it’s also really not something to sweep under the rug or belittle. And this is not meant to sound accusatory, it would not be something to sweep under the rug if it’s on your side either.Talk about it. Discuss sexy and non-sexy things. Details. Kinks. Planning out sex feels weird at first, but it’s sooooo freeing when you openly know every little detail that gets your partner hornier, and you can totally play them, and importantly you also know they’d let you know the moment they want something different.
You’re not crazy. And the things we’ve experienced inform how we go through life.
In addition to communication, being willing to understand a mis-match in how you or he feels about certain actions is also important. My spouse used to be overly jealous, especially of my time spent doing anything that wasn’t at home or work. It got to the point of being uncomfortable and disruptive, so I expressed my feelings, and she had no idea that what she was doing, which seemed perfectly rational to her, was making it impossible for me to do things outside the home. Took her a while to cool down, but she eventually understood that there’s a happy medium that works for everyone.
Also, a dude in his 20s liking some thirsttrap on IG is just cringe, but not really much more than disappointing IMO. Maybe he was drunk, or with a friend and it was something other than him at home, alone, clear-headed, clicking like. Maybe give him some benefit of the doubt on that.
You’ll get there, and asking for help is the first step.
Maybe just tell him how awesome he is and what a good job he’s doing every now and then, that’s all any man really needs
That and the occasional surprise blowjob
I do. I do all of that. I always compliment him and shower him with affection, especially in person I’m kissing all over his face and giving him so much love and attention… I’m scared of the unknown
The comment above is a half serious joke, but you do seem rather desperate for the approval of your partner and their validation. This isn’t totally healthy, and on one hand can be suffocating potentially, but can also be abused by a bad actor if you happen to date one. And those kinds of partners can sense and prey on that part of you.
I hope you have some positive friendships and relationships to help offset whatever is driving this feeling in you. In a perfect world, I’d say speak with a therapist but who can afford healthcare nowadays.
Yeah I don’t know. I give a lot though. I’m only ever more insecure when I like someone.
I wish I could tell you there’s a magic method to confidence but the only two real options are “fake it til you make it” and “fail so many times you no longer fear failure”
I’m old now but I found the path for me was somewhere in the middle between those two extremes
