Hi everyone, first post on here. This will be a bit of a ramble, sorry in advance.

I’m dealing with some inner turmoil, as do most people. As I age it gets worse and I know I’m not alone in this, but I don’t have anybody in my inner circle who understands, while they might be sympathetic.

I struggle with feeling like I’m my authentic self. I feel like I’m in the wrong body and have been all my life. I don’t hate it though, I just deal with it, mostly through just ignoring its existence and accepting that it at least lets me do things. I’m quite capable. But I also just don’t feel… right. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I used to hate it, now I just feel apathy.

I dress like the gender people perceive me as, to make life easier for myself. At work, we use uniforms, which some days helps and others make it worse.

I worry about expressing myself both in terms of dialogue and clothing options as I live in Tory country and my spouse and other dear queer friends have dealt with emotional and physical abuse for not “toeing the line”. My partner expresses themselves so minimally, yet sooo flamboyantly if you ask the general public?

In our local community, we get “away” with more as we are part of the artist and musician community, but why should that have to matter?

It’s fucked up.

I struggle with mental health issues and have my entire life. I usually tell myself that’s what’s causing the incongruity, or discrepancy, between what society perceives me as and what I perceive me as. I’m not sure that’s true anymore… But I’m scared. Part of me likes hiding. Part of me is tired of not sticking up for myself more.

Mostly I’m just tired.

  • Kamirose@beehaw.orgEnglish
    13·
    2 years ago

    Your feelings are valid and I hope you are doing well, all things considered.

    There is huge value in discussing your feelings with those who are going through the same things as you, or who have gone through it in the past. I hope you do consider coming to !lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org and chatting there if you are comfortable with it. And, for what it’s worth, even if you never plan to come out publicly, you are still valid as whatever gender (or lack thereof) that you identify as, and you deserve to feel supported and loved.

    • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
      5·
      2 years ago

      Thank you, that’s really heartwarming. I will definitely join you over there. I struggle a lot with feeling valid, as even transgender friends have told me I don’t sound transgender, which I don’t know if I am, I just don’t feel… Real. Just as gay/lesbian friends have told me there’s no such thing as bisexuals (this was back in the 80s-90s though, some have changed their tune since), but I definitely know where I stand sexuality wise.

      Anyway, blabla, thank you, I’ll see you over there!

      • Kamirose@beehaw.orgEnglish
        2·
        2 years ago

        even transgender friends have told me I don’t sound transgender

        It’s important to note that all trans people are different and have different experiences, so just because your experience doesn’t line up with that of other trans folks doesn’t mean you’re any less trans than they are (if you identify as such).

        • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
          2·
          2 years ago

          That’s very kind of you to say, thank you. I understand it in theory, I’m not sure if I am or not. Their experiences seem different to mine. I would love to make some physical changes to my body, but not enough that I want to deal with any side effects or upkeep, nor do I have the money tbh. I kind of just want to… not be bound by gender.

          • Kamirose@beehaw.orgEnglish
            3·
            2 years ago

            I kind of just want to… not be bound by gender.

            I’m cis myself so I can’t really advise you too strongly, but if you’re trying to find a label for what you’re feeling, I’d suggest looking into nonbinary, agender, and/or genderqueer identities and seeing if any of them resonate with you.

            Good luck <3

            • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
              3·
              2 years ago

              Genderqueer is currently the “label” that feels the most comfortable, as I struggle to specify it further. I’m not sure I want to label it either, I just want to be understood. Thank you again!

  • The Dark Lord ☑️@lemmy.caEnglish
    5·
    2 years ago

    I’m not LGBT, so I don’t have any experience, but no one else has commented yet.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine, it must be tough.

    Just know that there’s some random person on the internet that cares deeply and hopes the best for you.

  • WahotsEnglish
    4·
    2 years ago

    I understand where you’re at, as I went though a painful coming out experience on the sexuality side. Going to a LGBT counselor seriously helped me live a better and more open minded life. I feel a lot less stressed, and realized that nobody cares who I date or what I do. Now, I do what I want and feel much happier. And I feel less judgemental of other people, which is something I’ve needed to work on for awhile.

    Seriously, they can help, especially if you feel bitter or in a mindset you can’t escape without someone’s advice.

    • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
      3·
      2 years ago

      I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, it’s my gender/gender roles/gender expression that I get stuck on - but there must be a counselor who deals with that as well. I just worry about any records of it as my country is very anti-transgender at the moment. Perhaps if it were a private one.

      Thank you for your input, I definitely have something to ponder there.

    • patchymoose@rammy.siteEnglish
      3·
      2 years ago

      They mentioned living in "Tory country’, which if I’m not mistaken is the UK equivalent of a “red state” area in the US.

      • User Deleted@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
        1·
        2 years ago

        Ah I’m kinda just skim through long posts since my attention span is a bit fucked up, so I missed that part. Well… UK conservatives are generally more left-leaning than US liberals, according to what I’ve heard people say. I’d say just come out of the closet. Most people aint gonna bother you if you act nice towards them.

        • DarbyDear@beehaw.orgEnglish
          2·
          2 years ago

          Not trying to be a jerk or anything, but it’s generally not a great idea to give advice on someone’s situation when you haven’t gotten a full grasp on the background and relevant information, especially when it comes to mental/emotional stuff. For example, you’re correct that the general politics in the U.K. is more left-leaning than the U.S. but that’s not necessarily the case for trans rights - it’s picked up the moniker “TERF island” in some places. Elsewhere in this post, OP mentioned that their partner has been assaulted for wearing nail polish. Where they live could very well be the equivalent of the deeply-conservative part of Florida when it comes to feelings towards the trans community specifically.

    • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
      3·
      2 years ago

      Like, it’s destabilizing, it creates some unavoidable disassociation when your reality is out of sync with the people around you.

      Nail on the head. I don’t feel like I’m asking for anything ludicrous here, it’s literally just clothing items that might go against the majority of people’s ideas of my perceived gender. Gender fuckery, if you will.

      It’s odd when your entire existence is an event and a shock and a reset to others. I’m not out to provoke (though I’d be fine with people doing that, sometimes that’s exactly what it takes), I just want to live life how I feel it best suits me.

      And yeah, I’m similar to you. My spouse and I have created a safe little haven for ourselves and our general friend group are either similar to us or understanding at least.

      Thank you, your words mattered a lot to me.

  • nlm@beehaw.orgEnglish
    0·
    2 years ago

    Sounds rough! Don’t wait too long to talk to a professional if things gets worse!

    If you just said screw you to society, what would you want to do differently?

    • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
      3·
      2 years ago

      I would chop off certain bits and add others, lol. I would wear wigs, or do different hairstyles often. I would expand my wardrobe so it could reflect how I feel more on a given day. I would be extravagant for no fucking reason other than… it’s Thursday.

      • nlm@beehaw.orgEnglish
        3·
        2 years ago

        I know it’s eeasy for me to say, not facing the same issues but… just fuck 'em? Go nuts, do you! At least with the wigs and outfits for starters?

        I bet you’d feel a lot better if you listen more to yourself and not so much to people around you.

        Even though the public can be a bunch of intolerant jerks, try to be yourself if possible mate!

        • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
          2·
          2 years ago

          I’d love to, but I’m afraid it’s not as easy as that. My partner got beat up for wearing nail polish. A friend of mine got egged for having short hair as a girl. There have been murders and assaults of my like-minded people in the area.

          While I know it’s important to have guts and to stand tall, I also want to make sure I stay alive so I can be there for my family.

          But I hear you. I will be braver, if nothing else in little, safer ways for now. Maybe some wigs at home at least, lol.

          • nlm@beehaw.orgEnglish
            2·
            2 years ago

            Sorry to hear that… the world really is rather fucked up. :/

            There’s nowhere you could move that’s a bit more tolerant?

            • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
              4·
              2 years ago

              Isn’t it just?

              Eventually yes. My country of origin is generally more accepting, though not perfect. We’re saving up for it :)