Hi everyone, first post on here. This will be a bit of a ramble, sorry in advance.
I’m dealing with some inner turmoil, as do most people. As I age it gets worse and I know I’m not alone in this, but I don’t have anybody in my inner circle who understands, while they might be sympathetic.
I struggle with feeling like I’m my authentic self. I feel like I’m in the wrong body and have been all my life. I don’t hate it though, I just deal with it, mostly through just ignoring its existence and accepting that it at least lets me do things. I’m quite capable. But I also just don’t feel… right. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I used to hate it, now I just feel apathy.
I dress like the gender people perceive me as, to make life easier for myself. At work, we use uniforms, which some days helps and others make it worse.
I worry about expressing myself both in terms of dialogue and clothing options as I live in Tory country and my spouse and other dear queer friends have dealt with emotional and physical abuse for not “toeing the line”. My partner expresses themselves so minimally, yet sooo flamboyantly if you ask the general public?
In our local community, we get “away” with more as we are part of the artist and musician community, but why should that have to matter?
It’s fucked up.
I struggle with mental health issues and have my entire life. I usually tell myself that’s what’s causing the incongruity, or discrepancy, between what society perceives me as and what I perceive me as. I’m not sure that’s true anymore… But I’m scared. Part of me likes hiding. Part of me is tired of not sticking up for myself more.
Mostly I’m just tired.
Your feelings are valid and I hope you are doing well, all things considered.
There is huge value in discussing your feelings with those who are going through the same things as you, or who have gone through it in the past. I hope you do consider coming to !lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org and chatting there if you are comfortable with it. And, for what it’s worth, even if you never plan to come out publicly, you are still valid as whatever gender (or lack thereof) that you identify as, and you deserve to feel supported and loved.
Thank you, that’s really heartwarming. I will definitely join you over there. I struggle a lot with feeling valid, as even transgender friends have told me I don’t sound transgender, which I don’t know if I am, I just don’t feel… Real. Just as gay/lesbian friends have told me there’s no such thing as bisexuals (this was back in the 80s-90s though, some have changed their tune since), but I definitely know where I stand sexuality wise.
Anyway, blabla, thank you, I’ll see you over there!
It’s important to note that all trans people are different and have different experiences, so just because your experience doesn’t line up with that of other trans folks doesn’t mean you’re any less trans than they are (if you identify as such).
That’s very kind of you to say, thank you. I understand it in theory, I’m not sure if I am or not. Their experiences seem different to mine. I would love to make some physical changes to my body, but not enough that I want to deal with any side effects or upkeep, nor do I have the money tbh. I kind of just want to… not be bound by gender.
I’m cis myself so I can’t really advise you too strongly, but if you’re trying to find a label for what you’re feeling, I’d suggest looking into nonbinary, agender, and/or genderqueer identities and seeing if any of them resonate with you.
Good luck <3
Genderqueer is currently the “label” that feels the most comfortable, as I struggle to specify it further. I’m not sure I want to label it either, I just want to be understood. Thank you again!