The periods of apathy never last more than a month or two, and when they’re over, I can go back to being moderately productive. But when it hits really hard, even small tasks are hard to manage. Like, imagine a young child screaming “I don’t wannaaaa” in this high-pitched voice, stomping their foot on the ground. Sometimes, that’s in my head when I try to do stuff. But it doesn’t last forever, and after a while, I’ll get things done again. Or I brute-force it, produce a half-assed “I hate myself” version of what I’m trying to do, and chip away at that until it’s acceptable. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I already try to do all that, but it’s never easy.

I was in therapy for almost two years (with breaks because therapists take time off, too), but other than a handful of phrases that come in handy every once in a while, I don’t think it was all that useful. I’m still glad I did it because now I don’t have to wonder “what if.” Maybe CBT wasn’t the right approach for me, or maybe a different therapist would’ve been better, but finding a good one can take years with how long their waiting lists are.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that it won’t always be like that, and that this is just a phase. Sure, it’s a cycle, just like the moon, and the bad times will return. But the good times are fun. That’s what I always try to remember.