I have been going to therapy off and on for years and whenever I bring up my desire to date and my difficulties with it I have gotten back to just work on myself and online I have seen “if you aren’t happy alone you won’t be happy in a relationship”. I have major depression and have had it for years. Am I supposed to just hope it goes away? Wait until my entire life has passed?
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You don’t have to be “cured” or anything, but it would be in your best interest & the interest of your future partner to learn good coping mechanisms, strategies, and improve your general mental welfare before you get involved with anyone.
Basically, you need to know how to care for yourself and your own mental health, first and foremost. That doesn’t mean hiding it or having it “go away”, but it does mean knowing that you would be able to support your partner in their struggles, as well.
A partner is NOT a replacement for a qualified therapist.
In the words of Bo Burnham, “We all deserve love; even on the days when we’re not our best; cuz we all suck, but love can make us suck less”
You shouldn’t seek a relationship just to fix yourself, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek a relationship. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
You are not as broken as you think you are.
Thank you, I am saving this, it is a good quote.
Have been and been going through this myself.
There’s an uncomfortable truth here, when you cannot fully love yourself, you cannot fully love others. This is simple to explain: you are probably either don’t know your strengths and weaknesses or you don’t believe in them. You may know what you value but you may not seek them. You may know what a healthy relationship is, but you haven’t been in one.
Relationships require vulnerability, boundaries, and communication.
Depression is a condition where your brain is literally communicating to you (and others) very incorrect information.
This will lead you to ignoring red flags in relationships, but also missing green flags. As you start to handle depression, you need to do you. Do a lot of things with friends, coworkers outside of work, family, etc. those are the relationships you need to build up first, and they will help guide you while you recover.
The only person that knows if you still need help with depression is you. Sure, you may not be able to get rid of it entirely, but there will be a moment in the future, when you have an expanded support system, when you feel secure in the least, that you will know when you can date someone.
I’m not there yet. But I see how to get there now. It takes time, and it might be another year or two. I’ll be a 36 y/o single dad. That’s like the most difficult playing field out there. But having been in a single terrible relationship most of my life, I’ve felt marvelous when not worried about dating.
There’s nuance to the idea that you need to love yourself before loving someone else.
At its core, it means this: Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you.
When someone lacks self-love and enters a relationship, they often rely on their partner as their source of self-worth. This isn’t just unfair—it’s unsustainable and often leads to heartbreak.
To put it another way, you need to fill your own cup. You can’t walk around empty, expecting someone else to keep pouring into you indefinitely. That’s not their job, and trying to take it on is exhausting, leading to burnout and relationship failure.
The truth is, you have to learn how to be happy alone. A relationship isn’t about making each other happy; it’s about supporting and loving one another in a way that fosters self-love, allowing both people to grow into their fullest potential.
Well fucking said! I’ve been there and it was rough.
So that rules out people with depression?
As someone who had a partner with chronic depression for 8 years, it doesn’t rule you out, but here’s the thing: you can’t go into a relationship expecting it (or your partner) to solve your depression. Depression is an illness, not just being sad, the thing that makes it depression is the fact that there isn’t some external thing (or lack of thing) making you sad, so a relationship isn’t going to add anything that would help.
I’m aware everyone’s experience is subjective, but drawing from my experience, you should avoid codependency. It would be very easy to fall into a relationship where your partner and the relationship becomes your source of self-worth, and caring for you becomes their source of self worth. I say this as someone who made that mistake and in the end both of us ended up happier once the relationship was over, but it was a very difficult situation to get out of for both parties. In the end caring for a partner as a source of self worth results in low self esteem, because nothing you can do will cure their depression, and both parties just end up completely burnt out.
Finally, avoid something I know my partner would have done after creating and reading this post: please don’t take the advice to not date as ‘proof’ that you’re not worth dating, that’s not true. Really the advice should say: don’t look for self-worth in a relationship.
At this point I don’t think there will ever be a cure given how long I have lived with it. Part of me wants to date so that there is something humanly normal about my life, another part stays up late at night wishing there was someone to hug me when Im sad and someone to share my music, memes, and fan theories with, and part is just amorous I think. I’m not experienced enough with dating to even know how to avoid codependence. I haven’t been in such a relationship but I also would know what to look for other than not have low self esteem.
There might not be a cure. I know that I don’t expect mine to ever really go away. But even when it’s still present, the degree to which you have it under control is a broad spectrum.
And yes, it is much more difficult for those of us with serious depression to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem, but it is not impossible by any means
I’m not experienced enough with dating to even know how to avoid codependence
Experience with dating is not how you avoid it. Self-esteem and being comfortable without a relationship are. That’s why the advice is to get those things sorted first.
No. You can learn to love yourself when you’re depressed. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe not but they are highly comorbid. And having depression get in the way of a lot of my goal took a toll on my self esteem.
Allow me to paint a picture:
In your heart, you’ve got a little cup full of love. Sounds like yours is running on fumes.
Your hope is that someone else will fill this cup for you. But I’m saying you need to learn to fill it yourself first. Why?
Because love isn’t a free refill station—it’s an exchange. We trade sips from one another’s heart cups. Some people need a big sip. Some barely need any at all. Must be nice… 😒
So if you meet someone with a big, full cup, ready to share—what do you have to give them? If you don’t know how to refill your own, that love becomes a finite resource. Your partner pours into you, but you have nothing to pour back. And eventually, that drains them. It doesn’t lead to happiness—it leads to burnout, imbalance, and a slow spiral back to despair.
This is why you need a source from within. Not because love doesn’t exist. But because the best love is shared, not depended on.
I mean it sounds like you are describing someone who is selfish that demands much and returns little of those around them. I don’t believe I do that. But you are saying I will if I don’t figure out my self esteem issues before hand?
I’m saying if you don’t have a way to get self worth from yourself then you will be stuck dependent on your partner, and they will not always be able to provide that. It’s a skill that you need to be in a functional relationship.
I dated someone with major depression and PTSD for three years. I’m not going to say it was the easiest experience supporting them, but I loved them very deeply for who they are and we had a nice relationship. Before we met, I hadn’t met anyone I’d related to as much as I had with them. Dating is definitely possible, but as with any dating, it can also be painful and you might not get what you’re looking for. It’s crucial for all of us, not just those majorly depressed, to take care of ourselves through every situation. Be sure to interrogate whether or not the way you’re approaching relationships is exacerbating your depression; if you’re looking for dependencies or not.
What do you mean by dependencies? As in codependency?
Sorry, typo — indeed, codependency.
i don’t think that’s true. you should be open and communicate well with new ppl in your life bc people do tend to be irritated and hurt, when you go in shutdown-mode. in my expirience. i dont know much about romantic relationships. but dont stop reaching out to people. these connections may hold you. they won’t be a magical cure. but they will give your life an anchor.
that said. online communities are not therapy. we don’t know you. for me it helped to start to know myself (through actual therapy). usually i noticed an upcoming depression 2 weeks to late. but i found patterns and have gotten better in listening to myself. i even started to build habits. not like “i’ll change my life now” but i found a few things that stuck and that i enjoy. its not perfect. but there is some structure to my weeks. (one might say i have a hobby now).
i hope you get out of this (at least a little). i’ve had a look outside of the cave. there is much waiting for us. even if we’ll have to go back inside from time to time.
I just started meeting with a new therapist and the basis of the advice seems to be my self esteem issues and being unemployed.
yeah, both can have grave impacts on your life, well being and relationships. at least i found this to be the case for me. and things get easier, when those are out of the way. it’s not a bad point to start i guess and put some psychological energy towards. but i guess you are worthy of someones interest, care and love already. :)
Nah fuck that. If someone takes and interest in you and you have the capacity for it then go for it. Just don’t stop working on yourself. Probably want to avoid apps though, those won’t help your mental health.
E: it’s good to make clear early on what the other person is getting into though. That’s just part of communication and trust building, you know, the foundation of a relationship.
Yeah dating apps either frustrate me or discourage me so I am trying to avoid them. The trouble is that the alternatives are meeting people at hobby based clubs or approaching people while I am out and about which I don’t have the cajones for.
The point of hobbies and activity based social gathering is that you can focus on the activity until you’re comfortable enough with the people around you to talk to them. It’s fine if it takes a month or two to open up and engage more!
If you’re looking to date, just make sure the type of person you’re interested in would be in those same groups.
I wouldn’t know. It would probably take me months to figure out if the sort of people that attend these clubs would be dateable. I am no expert on hobby clubs but the little experience I have had with them is they tend to be small and hardcore. Since I am not hardcore about anything either due to personality or depression, it is difficult to gage if I have a place there.
Hardest part is going, being open to new types of clubs, and sticking to it.
I would say that volunteer work is generally a better experience as well for both things.
Like you said, clubs focus on the thing where good volunteer work is both about the work and the people.
I’ve always found that advice to be bizarre given relationships are generally pretty low on Maslow’s hierarchy (depending on the version)
Charitably it comes from a need to give easy platitudes. Uncharitably it’s a projection of a subconscious disgust at the idea of dating someone with mental health issues.
Nah, the key is that you do need to reach a point of homeostasis. It doesn’t take forever, but it does take steady work.
It just needs to be where you’re stabilized with your depression.
It is true that dating and relationships aren’t a treatment. And it’s true that the less stable you are in your depression, the less capable you will be in handling the work that goes into dating and relationships.
But you don’t have to be happy. That saying is a pain in the ass tbh, because it exaggerates the actual goal. People with depression can be happy, and still be depressed.
Just focus on finding a balance, where the depression isn’t interfering with your ability to function in relationships you already have. Friends, family, that kind of thing. Once you get the depression managed that well, you’ll be able to realistically approach new relationships.
The people that repeat that old saw forget that you can forge friendships perfectly well when depressed, it’s just harder. Romantic relationships are really just a more intense version of the same process.
Chronic depression, you have to find your balance with. You find a way to make peace with it and live with it. Remission is certainly possible, but it can’t be the goal that puts everything else on hold, or it becomes impossible. You have to have the room to grow and change outside of therapy, or it’s going to fail.
Now, you also have to be honest and realistic. There is a limit to how solid a relationship you can build with depression that isn’t in remission. It’s a damn rocky foundation to build on. So the closer you get to remission, the better the chances of dating turning into something. The inverse is true as well; the further you are from remission, the worse your chances.
But nobody can tell you exactly when you are or aren’t ready, as long as you’re in an outpatient scenario. They can absolutely give you guidelines, give you strong suggestions that you aren’t ready, but that’s a different issue.
That being said, you gotta take it slow. Depression fucks up your emotional senses. Stay slow, take it easy at each step so you don’t set yourself back, or fuck with someone else.
I mean I would say my mental health is fairly stagnant. There are some nights I am haunted by life not being what I want but I am not having massive fluctuations in my mood and I have a few close friends I have maintained a relationship with.
Seems to me that stagnant is good enough.
Chronic mental health issues really are like chronic physical issues. Once you find the spot that’s your normal, it’s maintenance rather than cures.
When part of that is caused by, or linked with, life situations that can’t be changed easily (or at all), you either decide to let go of life in general and do nothing but deal with the disability (and chronic, treatment resistant depression is a disability as much as my screwed up spine), or you find ways to live as best you can and treat that disability as a disability rather than an acute, curable problem.
You find ways to improve your life as much as it can be, and that includes developing relationships, finding meaningful work within your abilities, finding things that bring passion and joy when possible. Depression in specific is not a permanent, unscalable barrier to passion, joy, or love. There may be times when there’s not room for those things, and managing the depression has to be the main focus, but if you’re stagnate/stable, that’s not the case.
Being real here? I was only a few credits shy of my bachelor’s in psych. I never saw any evidence based data on dating with depression being a drawback. That’s been a very long time ago, so it’s possible something has come out since, but I’m skeptical.
What I’ve seen in group therapy, in support groups, it simply doesn’t point to there being a need or benefit to sidelining romance long term. It may need to be a few years, while someone is doing the work to find balance with a treatment resistant depression or other mental health issues. And, there’s some psychiatric issues where it may be a long term benefit to avoid dating, but that’s not the norm, and it would still cease to be a barrier if/when the issue is controlled via medication.
Now! This is the important caveat to that. We aren’t always able to tell when we’re stable. Nor are we all in a place where dating’s drawbacks won’t be a disturbance to stability. Rejection, failed partnerships, disagreements and drama, there’s a lot that can go wrong. If you can’t tell for absolute certain that your depression (in specific, but it applies to other issues) is stable and you can handle those bumps in the road, it may need to wait.
I’m not a shrink. Never completed my degree, much less any clinical requirements. The only reason I brought it up was to show that I did more than my due diligence on looking through published data. I’m not saying this as any kind of mental health pro at all, in any way. You always consult with your care providers before taking advice from randos.
Back to an anecdote. When I was at my lowest with depression, and the opportunity came up to enter into something serious, one of the things I had to look at was my resilience. Did bad things make my mental health worse? Did losing someone, or navigating existing relationships make me worse? Did it cause more than a temporary blip on the radar?
For me the answer was no. I had deaths in my family during that span, I had lost friends because of the array of mental health issues I was dealing with, and while they did cause a surge in my anxiety and depression in specific, that surge was temporary and in scale with the events.
I can not say if you’re in that place. All I can say is that if that’s where you are, where that bad stuff of life doesn’t sink you deeper and leave you there, then maybe it’s okay to go looking for the good stuff in life, and take the risk of temporary setbacks.
I will add that you need to be aware that these kind of problems make relationships harder, more prone to fall apart. It stacks the deck against you. Since you also have to be honest about health issues when things look like they’re getting serious, you have to be completely honest when that time comes. You can’t hide it, or lie about it because that’s dooming the incipient relationship before it starts. So there’s almost a guarantee that you’re going to face failures to start. If you aren’t ready for that, if the idea of it makes you more depressed, it may not be time to go for it yet.
Thank you for such in-depth answers. I know for certain that I am nowhere near the depths of my depression. When I was at my worst I was numbing all of my emotions to avoid the anxiety and feeling of failure. And while recently my mood has been more unstable, that is directly linked to a change of meds for a physical health issue. My life is by no means drama free and it hasn’t made me catatonic yet. Anxious, sure, but I am not constantly dwelling on it. I certainly could be at a better quality of life, it would require drastic changes to my living situation which while are doable eventually I think. Honestly, I think anxiety might be more of a barrier for me than depression. Not that depression doesn’t make everything harder, but is more of a sign that I am not living a fulfilling life.
While there is some credence to “you can’t truly learn to live another until you learn to love yourself”, I think we king as you approach a relationship with the right mindset you don’t have to love yourself / be happy. Right mindset being the operative word.
Anecdotal, but back when my depression was even worse I approached them as a “if I can’t be happy I want to dump 110% of myself into the relationship to make my partner happy”. It doesn’t take alot to understand why that’s such a bad approach. As long as you find someone who you can trust with your weaknesses and be trusted with theirs, maintain a open line of communication, and generally be comfortable around I don’t see why not.
Short answer from me is that’s a bunch of bullshit. You’ll never fully improve if you’re alone with the desire to socialize in some capacity.
